Dear Museum of Science and Industry:

So today my mother thought it would be a great idea to go to your museum. Now, I don't know what she was thinking because the place was a freaking zoo...picking a day when all children are off school was a horrriiibbbllle idea. The place was absolutely packed, and all I wanted to do all day was throw my elbows into the people blocking me from seeing the exhibits and trip whiny little kids. I think you should have some kind of limit on the amount of people you let in there...I mean I was trying to look at the Fairy Castle, and the sign in the room actually said no more than 10 people could be in there at a time, there was about 40. That's ridiculous, the Fairy Castle is my favorite thing at the whole museum and I had to push through a layer of two people to see it. I think part of the problem is no one leashes their damn kids. Seriously, I saw only one kid on a leash out of the thousands that were there. If kids were leashed they would have to stay much closer to their parents, and wouldn't be as much in my way. I think you need to institute a policy that any kid that gets in for the reduced "children" price should be on a leash. If kids were leashed there also wouldn't be any incidents like the one I witnessed. As I was standing waiting for the rest of my group to meet me at the entrance, this crazy lady with this super red face comes screaming towards the escalators, yelling STOP!...then I see her trying to catch her kid that is now trying to run up the down escalator, in the process almost falling down the escalator and knocking down a security guard. Instead of trying to pull this kid up the down escalator, this dumb broad could have just ridden the escalator down, grabbed on to the kid and then came back up the up. But regardless, it would not have happened had this kid been on a leash. And while all the children running wildly around really bothered me, I also witnessed the most disturbing thing in the entire world at your museum, and I suggest you decide to stop showing it in order to not traumatize any more people. In the farm section, there is a little room that shows a big pretend pig feeding her pretend baby pigs...and above them there is a video that keeps replaying. Part of the video is the birth of a piglet...I am surprised I did not vomit right there. I did immediately start gagging as I saw this tiny slimy little pig being squeezed out of what I could swear was the pig's butthole. It was honestly the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed...isn't this suppose to be a family friendly museum? I would have rather scooped one eye out with a spoon than have to witness that again, and I would certainly never want my children to see it. I guess that's where the leash would again come in handy, if I saw them looking at something I didn't want them to see I could just yank the leash real hard and pull them away from the screen. So seriously Museum...please consider this leash policy....and please please please BURN that tape of the pig giving birth!

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Crazies on the 156:

Today I was waiting for the 156 for what felt like forever. As I was standing waiting for the bus, this lady in a fur coat kept walking around stomping her feet. She had boots on so it was making a loud noise and it was rather annoying. Then she went into the street to see if the bus was coming and continued to stomp her feet, it was like she was having a little tantrum because the bus wasn't there. As I was watching this I was thinking, maybe I could blog about this lady. I haven't had any really interesting things happen to me lately, and this broad seems crazy enough for me to talk about. Luckily, when I actually got on the bus, you people were on it, and I didn't have to devote a whole post to some broad in a fur coat having a tantrum. I get on and I look to my left and I see what I will call Crazy Couple . You, Crazy Couple are arguing, and just generally making a scene, and you look crazy and possibly homeless, so I decide it would be best for me to walk to the back of the bus. I take a seat, but continue to watch you arguing. A few stops down, crazy lady gets up, starts yelling at crazy guy, and sits somewhere else. Crazy Guy gets up and follows her, and is now just standing in front of people yelling at lady. While guy is standing, what I will call "White Trash Couple" gets on the bus. They try to walk passed crazy dude , but he will not move. They push past him and he then calls the white trash lady fat. This sets white trash guy off, he starts screaming and telling the other guy he is going to kill him. People from the bus try and get up and intervene...they try to explain to white trash guy these people have been causing trouble the whole bus ride, and to just let it go...they are obviously crazy. White trash guy will not let it go....the bus driver had to stop the bus, get up and try to control the yelling...telling crazy guy he is going to have to get off the bus. Then in the midst of white trash guy and crazy guy still yelling at each other, crazy lady gets up and punches white trash lady in the head. I'd have to say, it was pretty freaking awesome. So then, bus driver has no choice but to call the police, white trash couple keeps yelling about how crazy guy better not get off the bus, and white trash guy will f'ing kill him if he tries to get off the bus...bla bla bla. Some more yelling happens for like 5 more min. Crazy guy starts accusing the bus driver of yelling at him because he's black. He must have said this 5 times, because right before the police got there all I could hear over and over again was "I don't care if your green, purple, or yellow...you started this." Finally the police get there and block off the bus...one squad car in front the other in the back of the bus. The police ask a few people what happen, then arrest the crazy couple. All while the crazy lady keeps repeating "but what did I do"....bitch, you punched someone in the head, that's what you did. As I am standing waiting for the next bus to come by and pick all the passengers up, I hear white trash lady telling white trash guy she is going to the hospital. White Trash lady, you did not need to go to the hospital...crazy lady punched you in the head, with people standing in between trying to intervene. There is no way it could have possibly done that much damage. And I don't know what you are going to prove by going to the hospital, they will tell you there is nothing wrong with you. And if you are just doing it to try and sue, crazy couple clearly have no money, and the CTA didn't do anything wrong. You and white trash guy could have kept your mouths shut and ignored crazy couple like EVERYONE else on the bus had been doing all along. From now on white trash couple can you just ignore crazy people on the bus? It's always worked well for me. And crazy couple, I hope you just stay of the bus altogether.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Girls Who Don't Wear Pants:

Now, I really didn't think I would ever have to write about this, because I thought the whole "legging" trend would go away, but it hasn't. And I have noticed a real increase of you no pants people since finals have started at school. I don't know why, but it was like all of sudden half the female population at John Marshall decided..."hey, I've been looking normal all semester, but it's finals time and I want to be comfortable, so I'm going to start coming to school with no pants on."And when I say no pants, I mean you girls who wear leggings with shirts that don't even cover your butts, with the leggings usually tucked into some boots. Now while I don't like leggings in general, I can understand why someone would want to wear them, they seem like they would be rather comfortable. What I have a problem with is when you people wear them like they are pants. Leggings are not pants, they are like a thick pair of tights. Would you wear tights and a shirt that barely covers your ass? Most people wouldn't. So you should not do that with leggings. I think this should be a rule, if the shirt you are wearing is not long enough to be worn as a dress, then you should not be wearing leggings under it. And when I say long enough to be worn as a dress, I mean something that covers well below your butt. This advice becomes even more important for girls who aren't exactly skinny. Because, as a wise girl once said "Spandex is a privilege, not a right." While I don't think being skinny gives someone an excuse to not wear pants, I think the chubbier you are, the worse the leggings look. I personally would never wear leggings because I think they would make my legs look so small compared to my chubby top half, that I would loook like an apple on toothpicks. Plus, it really helps show off that cellulite. You don't want to end up like these ladies...http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?tag=tight-pants . So girls, please put some pants on, and if you are not going to, wear a longer shirt!

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Drunkass in My Hallway:

Yesterday I was sleeping, and was rudely woken up by your loud drunken ramblings while you were fighting on the phone with what I suppose was your girlfriend. All I hear is you drunkenly repeating yourself and asking for some number. You then call who I assume is one of your girlfriend's friends, asking her why "Heidi" keeps sending you text messages saying she "wants nothing to fucking do with you." Now, I think I am giving you the benefit of the doubt when I assume this "Heidi" is or was your girlfriend. You could be like the rest of the weirdos in this building and be a big creep and just plain stalking this girl who wants nothing to f'ing to with you. But from what I was able to make out from your drunken conversation I don't think this is the case. So...you blabber on and on on the phone repeating yourself numerous times about how you don't want to keep getting these text messages from "Heidi", and you keep asking the friend why she is sending them and what you can do about it. You then tell the friend that she should come over, because you "just have about 8 or 9 people over, you're just chillin', playing some poker."...when I heard you say that I was actually shocked, because while I could hear you loud and clear out in the hallway, I would have never had any clue you had so many people in your apt. I mean one I was curious to know how you even fit that many people in your apartment, because I think the most I have ever had in mine was about 4 and that was a tight squeeze. I was also surprised because right when you were giving the girl on the phone directions I decided to check my phone to see what time it was....and it was ohhh just 4:30 in the morning. Why would you invite more people over at 4:30 Like are you serious Drunkass? What the hell were you doing with so many people in your apt at this time? I mean don't you realize that there are people around you trying to sleep? Ya know, like the 2 little children that live next door to you. Now while I find it odd, as I'm sure you do, that a family of 4 would choose to live in this building, I still respect the fact that they have little kids. I would never stand outside the door and basically yell into the phone for like a half hour at that time in the morning. If I wasn't so tired and lazy I would have gotten up and yelled at you, but by the time I was so fed up with you I was actually ready to get out of bed, you finally shut up. I think it was because you left to go stalk your girlfriend, which is a story in itself that I won't comment on at this time. But Drunkass, in the future can you get in fights with the girls you stalk...I mean your "girlfriend" while you are in your apartment?

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Creepos That Live Around Me:

So I don’t pay for my own internet because it’s usually fairly easy to pick up someone who lives near me’s. If I can’t pick up a neighbor's, I usually can go to the lobby. Although by now you all know I like to avoid doing that so I don’t run into creepy beret man. I would just like to say you are all a bunch of freaking weirdos. This is just a sampling of the network names I see when I try to get on other people networks: "Thuglife", "I touch myself," "wiener," (how creative), and the one I think that is the creepiest…."loner." Now the other ones I assume are just immature guys. I know this because in college I shared my internet with my guy friends and our network name was "sugar tits."But loner? That just screams…."I am a serial killer." I am just happy that the "loner" network only has one bar for me…which means "low connectivity," which means…loner does not live that close to me. It’s nice to know that the serial killer in the building does not live directly next door to me. So creepos in the building, I think you should change your network names…for some of you its just plain immature, but others your networks are frightening people in the building. I know there are weird people who live in this building, but I don’t need to be reminded of it when I am in my apartment by myself just trying to get on the internet.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Spare Some Change Man:

You sit on the corner of the street near my work in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank on the back. You don't always have the oxygen on, but it's always on the back of the chair. I walk passed you every single day, and every single day you ask me, and everyone else who walks passed you if we can "spare some change". I have never "spared any change" so I don't know why you keep asking me. Now, up until a few days ago I did feel bad for you, and I have come very close to giving you money....but never again spare some change man. The other day as I'm walking back to work from running an errand, you ask me if I can "spare some change" while you are puffing away on a cigarette. Are you serious dude? I have always thought your oxygen tank was just a little gimmick you have to get people to give your more money...and now I am pretty convinced. I mean it's possible you can be a complete moron and just continue smoking when you have a lung problem....but I don't think so. And I mean not only do I think its just completely stupid that you are smoking if you really are sick, but why the hell would you do it on that corner? The same people probably walk passed you everyday, and they are going to think the same thing I do, that either your oxygen tank is an act, or they are not going to give you money just so that you can go buy yourself smokes and kill yourself a little faster. I mean if you were smart you would go hide while your having your smoke...because it's not like anyone is going to give you money while you are smoking with an oxygen tank. Or here's an idea spare some change man, spare yourself some change...and quit smoking!

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Atheists:

So I was walking down LaSalle to get back to my apartment a couple weeks ago, and I see this Billboard...it says "Are you good without God, Millions are." I was completely confused by it so I just stood and stared at it for like 5 minutes. While I was trying to figure out who the hell would put up this kind of billboard a journalism student from Northwestern came up to me to ask me what I thought about the billboard. I told her I was confused because I didn't understand who would put up this kind of sign. She explained it was an atheist organization...and asked me what I thought now. I wish I could have been more articulate since she was interviewing me for an article, but all I could come up with was "well that's just stupid." But even now that I have had time to think about it, I still think its stupid. Why do atheists need to promote themselves? What are you trying to do? Convert people to nothingness? I just do not get what you are trying to promote...I don't care that you don't believe in God, that is your choice, but why would you try and convince other people to not believe in God? At least the Crazy Christians actually believe by getting people to join their religion they are saving them. What are people going to get if they listen to you? Absolutely nothing....well actually you might be getting them an eternity in hell if the crazy Christians are right. So Atheists don't waste your money, promoting your belief in nothing, its not doing anyone any good. You can probably just go ahead and take down that billboard now, it annoys me every time I walk past it.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear Crazy Christians:

As I was walking to the train the other day I ran into a group of you passing out stack of "comics" to people walking by. I was curious to see what you were handing out so I took one. When I got on the train I flipped through the stack of comics and found one entitled "Party Girl." I immediately knew it was going to be hilarious, so it's the first one I decided to read. The premise of "Party Girl" is that the devil is throwing a party....that includes "drugs, alcohol, all the hottest bands, and low-grade condoms," and a girl who is going to the party is saved by her grandmother who prevents her from partaking in the "drinking, and drugs, and immoral sex." I have several things I need to say about this. 1. This comic was handed to me by a girl who was maybe 10 years old......Seriously? Do these kids you have handing out these comics read them? I didn't even know what a condom was when I was 10 years old....so I find it a little odd that you Crazy Christians would let your 10 year old pass out a comic that actually uses the term "low-grade" condom. And why are they "low-grade" condoms??? I bet you don't approve of any sort of condoms...not just the "low-grade" kind...so I think you might be sending the wrong message here. 2. Do you really think you are "saving" anyone by passing out these comics on the street? Most of the people that walked passed you did not even take them, and the majority of people that did probably threw them into the garbage immediately, they just took them because they felt bad for these poor kids who were being forced to harass people on the streets of Downtown Chicago. Anyone who actually read the comics (like me), probably just thinks you are crazy. 3. The address on the comic showed you were from a church in Bourbonnais....that's like an hour from Chicago, by the small chance you "reached" someone with your "message," they still wouldn't go to your church....they'd find some Christians in Chicago to associate with.
So Crazy Christians I really think you can find a better use for your children other than having them pass out comics on the street that no one is going to read, and if they do read them they are just going to have lots of reasons to think you are crazy. Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian myself and find nothing wrong with the fact that you want to "spread the word of God"....I just think you are going about it in all the wrong ways.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear David's Bridal Lady:

I go in to your store on Saturday to order my bridesmaid dress for my sisters wedding. I have previously tried the dress on so I did not need to try it on again, so I just got to go right up to the counter and order. You don't really get a good look at me, I just tell you the brides name and you start looking up the info on the computer. You keep looking down and you ask my name and ask if I am the Maid of Honor, and go oh "Megan, okay, a size 4?"..you then look up and go "oh no." Now lady I just start laughing, because I know I am not a size 4. But I think you should be careful with making comments like that. I think any other girl probably would have freaked out at you if you made a comment like that to them. So David's Bridal Lady, next time there is a clear typo in your computer system, instead of saying "oh, no"..which was basically you saying "wait a second, this says you are ordering a size 4, you're clearly not a size 4, you are much fatter."...you should probably just say something like "what size was the dress again?, just want to make sure what I have in the system is right". I'm not mad David's Bridal girl, but other chics defiantly would be, so in the future you should just watch what you say.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Creepy Beret Man (Episode Two):

Now normally I only devote one blog entry to each creeper I meet...but you creepy beret man are real special, you can't get the hint. I have now been avoiding the lobby as much as possible because I am actually afriad of you a little bit. But last week I really needed to use the internet and my internet was not working so I went and sat downstairs for like 20 min. As I was getting up to go back upstairs I see you out of the corner of my eye. I try to like run to the stairs so that I can get upstairs before you start talking to me. But no, you ran over and put your hand on the door to the stairs so that I couldn't get upstairs until I talked to you. You ask me where I have been, and I would have liked to say "avoiding you,"...but I don't want to piss you off because you seem like a psycho. So I tell you I have just been really busy with school work. I then tell you I really need to get going because I have homework to finish, and you go "I'll walk up with you." Really dude, you had just gotten into the lobby and you live on the 7th floor. Were you just coming downstairs to look for me? And do you really think I believe had I not been in the lobby you would have walked up 7 flight of stairs to get back to your apartment? So at this point I am super creeped out, and I don't know how to get out of it, so I just start walking up the stairs. When I get to my floor you stand in the hallway and continue to try to talk to me. You ask me what I am doing this week, and if maybe we can get dinner. I said "I don't think so", and you ask why. Seriously dude, what do you not get? I am not interested. I felt bad though so I then told you I am too busy with school. And you still try to argue with me about why I should be able to go to dinner with you. Creepy Beret Man I do not want to go to dinner with you, and in the future can you not follow me up the stairs? I don't like having to sleep with a knife by my bed...but I will continue to do it until you leave me alone.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Door Lady:

First off I would just like to say you take your job WAY too seriously. Like I know you are trying to keep this building safe and all, but like so many shady people already live here, I don't know who you are trying to protect when you are so crazy about making my guests sign in and not letting them up until you get a hold of me. Like my 15 year old cousin you make sign in when she is with me is a lot less shady then the crack heads that actually live in this building.



Anyways, now to my real beef with you. So Friday I walk into my apartment and I found my lock on the ground. That's right, my lock actually fell out of the door and onto the floor. Now the lock has been loose for sometime, but I didn't think it was possible for it to actually fall out, guess I was wrong. So I freak out, because like I have mentioned shady people live here and I had no intention of leaving my door unlocked (or with no lock, since mine FELL OUT), for longer than like 5 minutes. So Doorlady, I come show you the lock and ask if there is still maintenance people around. You say you will go check, you check and maintenance man is not here. So you tell me when he comes back you will show him the lock and have him come fix it. I say "oh no, I will just try to fix it myself"...and you slowly try to slide the lock out of my reach. You tell me you can't let me take the lock because you can't let me try to fix it on my own. Are you serious lady? Do you really think I am just going to leave my apartment without a lock? So I just grabbed the lock and tell you there was no way I was going to leave my apartment unlocked...you get all pissy and roll your eyes at me. But seriously door lady you are out of your freaking mind. And door lady I was able to fix the lock on my own without messing anything up so you can chill out next time this happens. I actually just duct taped the lock back onto the door....that's right, duct taped. But door lady that is not your problem...I will address with landlady how it's possible that the lock on my door sucks so bad and is such a piece of crap that it can actually just be duct taped back on. In the future though, don't actually expect people will leave their doors unlocked in this shady freaking place for as long as it would take for the maintenance people to come and fix the door.


Thanks,
Megan

Dear Crazy Dog People:

Since I have moved to the city I have noticed how obsessed with dogs people around here are. Like there is all these Pet Accessory stores all over the place, that don't sell like dog food and normal pet supplies. They sell like dog clothes and designer collars and leashes, and fancy dog biscuits that cost more than what I'd spend on food for myself. There's even a "dog boutique" at the Macy's on State St., it's rather ridiculous. But what I saw on Friday at your condo really wins the prize for craziest dog owner. I stopped at my cousin's after some Halloween costume shopping, and across the hall from them I see all your shoes out by your front door...and then I saw these 4 things that look like tiny little boxing gloves. So I ask my cousin what they are and she says DOG SHOES. You have to be F"ING kidding me. You have shoes for your dog???? This is absolutely insane. Dogs do not needs shoes, as they do not have human feet...they have paws. Paws which dogs have been walking on outside for centuries and have been completely fine with. I actually think your dog probably hates these stupid little boots. Because 1. he has to walk around looking completely ridiculous 2. they are probably annoying to walk in 3. it probably takes longer for him to be able to piss since before you go outside you need to put his "shoes" on him. I actually don't think people like you should be able to have animals, because this shows you are absolutely crazy. Dear Crazy Dog People stop torturing your dog, throw those dumb shoes out.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear StreetWise Man:

So on Friday I woke up late for class so I kept the same ratty hoodie I had slept in on, and my hair was a complete mess, in a nasty ponytail with my bang doing this gross "I haven't been straightened" wavy thing. It was also raining that day and I did not have an umbrella. Needless to say I looked like crap. I had an errand to run at the Daley Center, so as I'm walking down Randolph I walk past you. You were selling StreetWise, and as I walk past you, you say "hey pretty, how you doing today." Now StreetWise man you are not fooling anyone when you give out these compliments. I know you are usually the kind of person that would hit on me, but come on dude...I was looking anything but pretty that day. More than likely a compliment would not help you get me to give you money, but you'd have a much better chance if I thought you were sincere. Calling me pretty actually made me even less inclined to give you money because I knew you were clearly lying. So in the future StreetWise man, just ask for money instead of pissing me off more by giving me some cheesy fake compliment.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Creepy Beret Man:

So you hang out in my lobby all the time, creeping on all the girls. I actually don't like to sit in the lobby anymore because everytime I am in there you try to talk to me. At first I thought oh whatever, I will just talk to this guy, he seems harmless, probably just lonely. But no, the last time you talked to me you completely creeped me out. You now have a little nickname for me, you call me "your lawyer" 1. If I was actually a lawyer there is no way I would be living in that building and 2. If I was actually a lawyer I would not be yours. I think I want to have a no creepy client rule. Then at the end of the convo where you told doorlady you are going to talk to "your lawyer" you ask me if I would "like to eat fruit with you sometime"....r u serious???? Who asks someone that? Has that ever actually worked? "Hey girl, I got this awesome Pineapple upstairs, want to come eat it with me?" Maybe that is something that would work in whatever foreign country you are from, but this is America buddy...and asking someone you don't know to eat fruit with you is just plain weird and creepy. So after this whole fruit incident, everytime I see you in the lobby I try to put my head down and run for the stairs so I don't have to say hi to you. Well yesterday you were standing talking to the door man so there was no way I could not look at you when I came in. Since you were in mid convo with door man I decided I could go check my mail without you bothering me. Well I was wrong, I check my mail and then I had to the elevator, it opens right away so I think I can sneak on with out you even noticing me. Oh no, you stop your convo with door man basically in mid sentence so you can jump onto the elevator I am on. Dude seriously, it was soooo freaking obvious what you were doing. It was really so obvious that it was actually pretty pathetic. Regardless I was super creeped out....so just to warn you to stay away Creepy Beret man I have attached a photo of what I sleep next to each night, so you don't get any ideas. And trust me I have accidentally stabbed myself once with this, and it is not pleasant. So Creepy Beret man...stop being creepy.



Thanks,

Megan

Dear St. Louis:

So I know the title of this is Dear Chicago, but after spending a weekend in St. Louis, it is kind of hard not to comment on the things I saw. First of all, I just want to ask a giant WTF is with your city's choice in artwork? Like this statue of a fat rolly guy on a super chubby horse? It is just really disturbing looking, and I think you should have considered the view from the back before you commissioned this art work. And while we're on the topic of weird statues....seriously what is with the Arch? I mean it was cool to see and all, but seriously what a freaking waste of money.

OK, and on to the people and places...

Dear Drunken Fish: I had such high hopes for your bar. The name just sounded like it would be a great time. So I go there and was COMPLETELY disappointed. The places was empty besides some guy having a dance off by himself and this nasty couple that was groping each other on one of your couches. Seriously bars need to learn their lesson...if you want people to have a place to sit down, please just provide chairs. Chairs that only one person can sit on...if you put couches in your bar you are just asking to see some nasty PDA that no one wants to look at. Which brings me to this guy.... This guy is half of the nasty couple that was sitting (laying on each other) on the couch. While the skank got up to go the bathroom this guy fell asleep. Seriously, what is wrong these people? Don't you have a couch at home that you can be all over each other on? And then fall asleep on? I mean if you are so drunk that you are passing out in the bar, what prevented you from going home a long time ago? And Drunken Fish, what is wrong with you? Show some class, kick people like this out!

Dear Girl with the job from her dad: So I went to your lovely city for a leadership conference. During the conference there was a presentation about job searching, with a panel of recent grads. The second you got introduced I knew how you got your job, your last name is the same as the name of the firm. Seriously, what the heck were you doing on a panel about searching for jobs? What insight could you possibly have to give to people who are not going to get handed a job when they graduate? I'm going to assume that you never went to leadership conferences, because like you said during the panel you "knew from the beginning you had this job"....so really how many of us did you think were in the same situation as you? People don't get involved and do things like go to a leadership conference when they have a sweet job after graduation and daddy's law firm to take over when he retires. You should have done us all a favor and not shown up, because it was a freaking joke to listen to someone who didn't need to look for a job, talk about finding a job in this crap economy. Here's a hint, the only panel you belong on is one about being a spoiled brat, so next time save yourself the embarrassment and just say no next time you are asked to do a panel.

Dear St. Louis: All and all you're not that bad of a city (if you can even be considered a real city)....but I'll stick with Chicago.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear Bike Stealer:

It has been about a month and half now since you stole my bike, but I am still soooo freaking pissed about it. I guess I was naive to think that if I left my bike locked up outside my apt. for just one night it would be okay. You see bike stealer, the bike room in my building is down a set of windy stairs, and then the bike rack requires me to lift my bike up and place the wheel in the rack. I am a weakling, I do not have the strength to carry my bike downstairs and lift it onto a rack everyday. So I left it outside thinking my lock was thick enough and my bike was too old lady looking for anyone to steal...I guess I was wrong. I heard you outside my window in the middle of the night, but I just thought someone was getting their bike off the rack next to mine. But no, it was actually you, stealing my precious bike. You are actually lucky bike stealer, had I gotten out of bed to see what all the noise was about I would have threw my Rachel Ray knife out the window at you. The thing I don't get is why did you pick my bike? I hope you immediately sold it, because as I am assuming you are a thug or a homeless person....you would look like a complete fool on an old lady bike. Actually, I hope you didn't sell it, because if I ever see someone riding my bike I plan on tackling that person and taking it back. So Mr. Bike Stealer here is an idea, how about you give me my bike back to save us both from getting injured when I try to take my bike back. You can even just lock it right back up to the same bike rack you stole it from, since you also took my lock too. And here's some advice, next time you steal someone's bike can you leave the lock? You gave me false hope that maybe I had just forgotten where I had put my bike, if you had left the cut lock at least I wouldn't have thought I was going crazy, and I would have known what happened. In case you steal a lot of bikes (which I am sure you do) I have attached a picture so you can return the right one.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear Crazy Landlady:

Friday I was sitting in the lobby again, "my" Internet was not working so I needed to use the free Internet down there. A guy came in and asked if he could go up to his friend's apt. The door lady told him that the friend did not answer the phone (this guy must have already called looking for him), so the guy asked if she could call again. Door lady called the friends apt, and there was no answer. Then the guy said he was really concerned about the friend, they work together and he did not show up for work that day, and no one had heard from him. So door lady goes and knocks on his door, there is no answer. So when door lady comes back down she tells this guy that she has to go talk to her manager. Then you, crazy landlady, and your husband (still not sure why he's always there) come out and immediately are hostile to this poor guy. You tell him that you have a policy in this building that if a tenant does not answer the phone you are not going to be breaking down the door. Then you tell him he is trespassing and he needs to leave. The guy looked very taken a back and was confused because he was clearly just concerned about his friend, and not looking for trouble. You again repeat that he is trespassing and keep pointing at the door. The guy asks what is he suppose to do if he hasn't heard from his friend in a few days, and that if this happens he will just call the police since you are being uncooperative. You tell him you would be glad to call the police for him when the time comes. BROAD, you are nuts! After the guy left you start yelling at the poor door lady telling her she needs to be stern with this people and that he was not looking for a friend or concerned about this tenant, he was looking for CRACK. Seriously????? The guy looked completely normal, was in nice jeans and a lacoste polo, he was for sure not a crack head. He also seemed really sincere and actually concerned about his friend, and I think you are just nuts! Dear crazy landlady, if ever I am not answering my phone and I am not answering my door....please by all means KNOCK DOWN THE DOOR! This guy could be dead in his apartment, and you don't care. If I ever die in my apartment or go missing, the people who come looking for me are not looking for CRACK, so please let them up.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Cornerstone Restaurant & Bar:

I was at your bar/banquet hall/playground this past Friday night and I would just like to tell you how bad you suck. Here I am going back to the suburbs, thinking nothing eventful would happen and I would have nothing one new to write about....I was right about the uneventful part, but my uneventful night at your Establishment gave me plenty of material. Now, there are several reasons I think you suck and I will give them to you in order of importance.

1. Is your slogan really "great food, great atmosphere"? Because 1. that's f'ing lame, and 2. I can't speak to the "great food" but if you really think you have a great atmosphere you need to get out more. My next few reasons will explain why I think there is no truth to this "great atmosphere" business.

2. You should really try to do more to keep the trash out of your bar. There were plenty of people I could comment on, or even write an entire blog about...but I will only mention one. The broad with the baby. Seriously who lets a woman with a 2 year old come into a bar at 10 o'clock at night? I mean seriously, the woman and her son were still there when I left at 11:30, what is wrong with the people that hang out at your bar? It would be one thing if it was around dinner time, and these people came for dinner, and maybe had a drink or two afterwards. But clearly if you are out at 11 you are not there for food, you are there to drink. What a bad mother. And what the hell is wrong with the people with her. If one of my friends brought their kid to a bar, I would call DCFS on their ass, then immediately defriend them from facebook. I would never want to be associated with a person like that. Which Cornerstone, might be a good idea for you too. Don't let trash like that into your bar because it reflects poorly on you. I suggest you institute a "no children past 9 o'clock policy" to prevent this from happening in the future.

3. Um, were you serious with that DJ? The music was so bad that any minute I was just waiting for the DJ to play some Mombo #5 or the Macarena. And at least if the music is bad, most places would have all the same kind of bad music, but your DJ went from awful country songs to rap, to Justin timberlake. It made my ears hurt. I think a monkey could pick out better songs on a jukebox than your DJ could. No one wonder no one was on the dance floor.

4. This whole banquet hall/bar thing you have going on is fucking weird. Pick one or the other. And since your bar sucks so bad I'm going to go with banquet hall, I hope you food is not as " great" as your atmosphere.

So again, I would like to reiterate that you suck. I actually don't know how you stay open, I hope you take my advice, it really would be unwise not to.

Thank you,
Megan

Dear Fat Naked Broad in the Whirpool:

So it's actually been awhile since I encountered your fat naked body in the Whirlpool at Fitness Formula Club, but it has disturbed me for quit some time. I have had nightmares about this incidence for a month now. All I wanted to do was have a nice relaxing read in the whirlpool (with my bathing suit on of course), but as my luck would have it, that was not your plan. Out of the corner of my eye I see you walking towards me. The towels at FFC are really little, they barely fit around my chubby body....so there was no way they were fitting around your body, because fat naked lady your weighing in these days at about 3hundo right? So because the towel does not fit around you, instead of maybe strategically moving the towel to the side so maybe you are only showing some leg, a few rolls, and some side boob....you insist on "closing" the towel right across the front of your body. So I get to see a triangle like opening of your GIANT fat stomach and your hairy down there. As I see you walking towards me, I am praying that you go into the steam room or the sauna....but NO...you walk up the stairs to the whirlpool and drop your towel. At this moment I am horrified, I did not know people went into these things naked. I calm myself by thinking as soon as you get in, you will be covered by water and I will not see so much of your naked fat body. But oh fat naked lady you had other plans. You decide to plop your fat naked body right on the first step of the whirlpool...so not only are you now blocking my exit and can still see EVRERYTHING. Fat naked lady, you had to realize how uncomfortable you were making me, what is wrong with you? I pretended to read one more page of my book, then I faced the wall and walked sideways to get out so I would not have to look at you and all your rolls and your saggy boobs sitting on that step. I will never ever again go into a whirlpool at a gym. Fat naked lady can you please try and refrain from giving anyone else nightmares and put a GODDAMN bathing suit on? Is it that difficult? Aren't you uncomfortable walking around with your rolls exposed? Because I would be. Please do us all a favor and invest in a swimsuit...it's the end of the season I'm sure you can find an XXXL on clearance somewhere.

Thank You,
Megan

Dear D-Bag in my Drafting Class:

Today we had our very first drafting class. The professor had us go around the room and talk about where we were from, college we want to, why we chose this law school, etc etc...all those "fun" icebreaker topics. When it came to your turn you blabbed on and on about you self like the typical egotistical law student that you are. When it came time to talk about why you went to "this" school, you said it was because when you had 5 min left on the LSAT you realized you were on bubble 22 and you should have been on bubble 23. I have several things to say about this statement... 1. GET OVER YOURSELF...even if this is the reason you went to JM no one cares. Just because you claim that is why you couldn't go anywhere else does not mean I believe you. How do I know you would have gotten a good enough LSAT score to get in somewhere else? 2. I'm pretty sure it is a basic test taking skill to make sure you are filling in the right bubbles, the fact that you couldn't even accomplish that simple task leads me to believe, you in fact would not have gotten in to a better school....actually I find it hard to believe you even got into this school. 3. Great job on officially insulting everyone in the class (especially the professor who is a very active alum who obviously loves this school). You comment did not make us respect you, or think you were smart which is what I think you were going for....it made us think you are a giant TOOL. Congratulations D-Bag, you are know the most hated person in the classroom, and it only took a matter of, oh about 10 min?. Oh and one more thing....if you f'ed up the LSAT so bad, why didn't you just retake? Maybe its because you wouldn't have your little "i filled in the wrong bubble excuse" anymore, and you would have to come to the realization that you do in fact just suck that bad.....can I repeat #1 one more time? GET OVER YOURSELF

Thank You,
Megan

Dear Girl With NO Pants On:

So today I was sitting in the lobby doing a little studying. I enjoy studying in the lobby of our building because it's not as quiet as my apartment, and today I learned it is an excellent spot to people watch. So no pants girl, you walked in (you had pants on at this point)...and you immediately start screaming at the door lady. You start screaming that "kenny" is not allowed to come in here anymore, this is my home, he is not to come here, you call the police if he comes here"....door lady looks very puzzled and you walk away, she repeats ok "no more", she has an accent so you think what she said was "relax." (how they sound similar I'm not sure). So you run back to her desk and start yelling some more...you tell her she has no idea what is going on, and "Kenny" is not to come into this building, you signed the lease not him yada yada yada... So you walk away, and about 5 min go by and "Kenny" walks in...he tells door lady he is just going to get his stuff, she tells him no, he tells her yes. Then I hear you sheepishly call from the hallway that he can come and get his stuff. I put my head back down and continue my reading....i think the excitement is over. Boy, was I wrong. About 10 minutes later the police come in, and guess what? Kenny was the one who called the police because you would not let him get his belongings. Well by the time the police come you decide to let him get his belongings in peace, and the police leave. I assume I will see Kenny leave with his belongings and this will be all over....Not 10 minutes go by, and I see you and Kenny walk back into the building holding dinner in your hands acting like you are a totally normal couple. Seriously? Not only did you cause a giant scene for no reason, the door lady will forever hate you. Well on to the no pants part..... 15 min later you walk back into the lobby wearing nothing but a t-shirt....now it was one of those slightly longer t-shirts that skinny girls can wear with leggings, but no pants girl 1. you are not skinny and 2. you didn't even have leggings on, nope just a t-shirt. Dear no pants girl: it is completely inappropriate to walk around with no pants on, I understand you live here, but keep the nakedness to your apartment....it would make us all a lot more happy.

Thank you,
Megan

Dear Homeless Man Selling "Flutes":

I would just like to give you some words of advice. Your sales pitch that you start out with by asking "miss you are not afraid of African Americans are you" and then proceed to show me the metal pipe in your hand (i say pipe, you said "flute")..does not work. Why would I buy a "flute" from you, when from the beginning of our "conversation" I immediately felt like I was being attacked???? Sir, I will not give you money, nor will I buy a "flute" from you...and it has absolutely nothing to do with the color of your skin.

Thank You,
Megan

Dear Creepy Asian Boy:

So today I get a text from you saying "hi it's Dan, are you doing anything tonight." And I respond back "Dan who", as I don't recall meeting any Dans. You responded, "from last night, I walked you home." I really wanted to respond, no you did not walk me home...I was walking home and you decided to follow me and force me to converse with you until I got to my building. You then proceeded to ask me for my phone number....I really really thought I gave you a fake number, apparently not. Dear Dan, in the future do not tell a girl you just met you will "walk" her home. It's creepy, it was late, I did not know you and all I wanted to do was make it home without getting harassed by any homeless people. So if you could refrain from using my phone number in the future, it would be much appreciated.

Thank You,
Megan