Dear Pretend Blind Guy:

As I'm walking down the street today I see you walking down the street with a cane in your hand, waving it back in forth in front of you. The thing that made me really wonder what was up with you was that the stick wasn't even touching the ground. How do you have any idea of what is in front of you if the stick is not touching the ground? Made me wonder if you were really blind. A few minutes later I'm waiting to cross the street and I feel something whack me super hard in the side of the calf. Then feel someone run into me. It was you Pretend Blind Guy. Now, this is when I decided you must have not really been blind. 1. You whacked me in the middle of the leg...if you were using the stick properly you would have hit me in the foot, and 2.a real blind person would not have then walked right into me, because after hitting me directly in the leg, they would have realized there was something right in front of them, and they should stop and not keep walking that way. Who knows maybe you are newly blind and not use to walking with a cane, but it really didn't seem that way to me. If you are not blind I don't know what purpose you have in pretending to be, or why you whacked me in the leg, but whatever your reason you're a horrible person. And if you are actually blind...maybe you should consider getting a seeing eye dog.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear Smelly Rude European:

Now, I cannot name you by name, because some people are worried that certain other people (as in you smelly European) will read my blog and get offended. But ya know what buddy; you offended me quite a lot on Saturday night, so I personally don't care if I offend you or not. You smell, and you need to shower. How does that make you feel? It's kind of rude for me to say that right? Well how about when you told me that I "don't look like I don't eat meat" and that you bet I "eat pounds of bacon when everyone else goes to sleep at night." I asked if you were "calling me fat," and you of course said NO, but really dude, what were you trying to say? What does a person who "doesn't eat meat", look like? Skinny right? So exactly, you are calling me fat by saying I don't look like a person who doesn't eat meat. And really you took it too far by saying I probably eat pounds of bacon when people go to sleep at night. What were you insinuating there buddy? The worst part is you could tell I was pissed off, and you kept it up. What if I told you over and over again you smell and need to take a shower? Wouldn't it make you mad? I bet....so listen, Smelly Rude European, you have been in this country 10 years, I think it's about time you learn what is acceptable to say to people and what's not. A lot of Americans are fat, and they are very sensitive about being fat....so quit making comments to people about being fat. And what you don't understand is that in America you don't need to necessarily say "Megan you are fat" to call me fat, you can say "you eat pounds of bacon at midnight" and it means the same thing.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear St. Louis (Episode 2):

So St. Louis....the last time I visited I was pretty bored with you. This time I definitely saw some more interesting things at your little Mardi Gras celebration than I did the last time I was there. My real concern is why the hell do people bring their kids to this thing? I mean like to compare for people who have never been there I'd say it's the Southside Irish Parade times 10....and by 10 times...I mean 10 times the people, 10 times the drunkenness, and about 100 times the inappropriate things going on. I personally would never want to drag a kid through crowds of 1000s and 1000s of people...but I can see how that's not an issue for some people, crowds don't bother some people like they bother me. But what I can't understand is why people would want to bring their kids to an event where the majority of people are there to get black out drunk. And while not everyone may articulate that plan....when people start drinking 32oz draft beers at 10am, I don't see how they could have any other intentions than to get that drunk. Who wants there kids around that? I know I don't want to be answering questions like, "Mommy, who is this creepy old man that keeps falling down and slurring his words that's trying to talk to me? "...or "why did that girl just pee on someone's front lawn?" And if you can manage to protect your kids from the drunk idiots that surround them, I don't see how you can keep them away from all theinappropriate things going on. I mean come on....when most people think Mardi Gras, they think boobs. Why would you bring you kids to a place where you know there is going to be slutty chics flashing people? I mean I was actually suprised at the little amount of boob flashing I saw, but regardless...if you are a parent you should have been worried about it. Especially because even though it was too cold for most people to be flashing, it's not like there wasn't still an overabundance of boobs. Every stand I went to had whole string of beads with giant boobs on them. And those weren't even the worse ones....there were plenty of naked chics ones, and ones with dirty sayings on them. I guess if your kid couldn't read you'd be a little better off.....but even though they couldn't read the necklace that said "F the tits, show me the bush"....the visual should be enough for anyone to realize this is no place for kids.

And then there were things like this.....for just $2 you could take a picture sitting on a giant mustache...with a sign that said " I got a mustache ride at Mardi Gras".....do you really want your kid asking you if they can take a "mustache ride" picture? Or even if they don't want to take the picture do you really want them asking you what a "mustache ride" is???? And then there was just things that were out right appalling and everyone should be grossed out by seeing them....not just worried about children being exposed to it. Like this business card I saw which is by far the most disgusting business card I could ever imagine anyone having......What the hell is wrong with the people who own this business? Now I'm sure they probably just named their business "Camel Towing" because of what it sounded like......but I think they took it a little too far with these business cards, making it so obvious why they named their company what they did. People will probably get the visual just from hearing the name, I could really have done without the up-close picture of a chic's crotch. So St. Louis....can you do me a favor? Clean it up a little, or don't allow kids at your parade. If parents aren't going to have enough sense not to bring their kids there...someone should.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear Mean Old Man in the Caddy:

I was walking home from the bus today when I came to an intersection with a 4-way stop. I stopped and let one car go, and then proceeded to walk across the street. As I got to about the middle of the intersection, I see you begin to turn out of the corner of my eye. You then point and beep at me like I am doing something wrong. Listen Old man, I am a pedestrian; I have the right of way. And it's not like I darted out in front of your car or anything. I was in the crosswalk long before you began to turn. Maybe you couldn’t see me because you are old, but that does not give you an excuse to beep and point at me...causing me to fall in the middle of the street. I am surprised you didn't drive right over me, considering how annoyed you are that I had the nerve to try and cross the street that you were trying to turn on. After I recovered from my embarrassing fall I got up and flipped you the bird, and just for good measure yelled F' you as well. Not like you could hear me, your windows were up and you are old. Now after I did this I realized how absolutely ridiculous I looked and how crazy people must have thought I was. If I was witnessing myself, I probably would have blogged about it, "Dear Crazy Bitch Who Flipped Off that Poor Old Man." But the more I thought about it, the more I realized you did need to be flipped off. I did nothing wrong. You, with your impatience and beeping and pointing caused me to fall in the middle of the street, reinjure my elbow (from my previous fall down the stairs), and caused me to act like a crazy person. That's right I am blaming you for my yelling and bird flipping. How was I supposed to act? Not only did you nearly run me over, I was humiliated in front of all the people that were on the street. For someone who falls as much as me I shouldn't really be embarrassed about my falls anymore....but this one was bad. And it was all your fault....if you had just waited 5 more seconds for me to cross the street, none of this would have happened. So Old Man, I think it’s about time you turn in your keys. I personally don't think any old people should be driving, and you are a clear example of why. You either cannot see anymore and that's why you didn't notice me crossing the street until I was practically in front of you, or you are one of those old people who thinks they have the "right of way" just because you are old. Please do all other pedestrians a favor and STOP DRIVING!

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Dummy in Employment Law:

Today in Employment Law our class was discussing whether or not employers should be able to not hire or fire a woman just because she was pregnant. Personally if I was a dude I would have been afraid to give my opinion on this one, because I'd think all the chics in class would jump all over me if I took the side of the employer. Apparently no one in my class was really looking to fight today, because you said quite possibly the dumbest thing I think I have ever heard anyone say, and no one managed to really correct you. You raise your hand and start rambling about how it's not really discriminating against women, because women are just naturally the ones that get pregnant. The argument made no sense....but then you decided to really add to your credibility by correcting yourself "well usually only women can get pregnant, men can only get pregnant if they have surgery." Are you FUCKING kidding me????? The teacher laughed and questioned you, and you said "like that pregnant guy on Oprah." Okay, I know the "pregnant man" thing was a big deal in the news a few months back, but all you had to do was listen to one news clip about it, and you would have known it wasn't actually a man, it was a woman that had surgery to get herself some boy parts, and took hormones so she could grow facial hair. Really, most, people shouldn't have needed to see the news, because any person with a drop of common sense should know that a man cannot get pregnant. I mean, do you actually think its possible to put female reproductive organs into a man? Where would a doctor get a spare uterus or a pair of ovaries? I mean I know it's possible to have this sex reassignment surgery that the "dude" on Oprah had... I'm going to go ahead and let you google what that actually involves. But I'll tell you what it doesn't involve, it does not involve a man being able to physically become pregnant. Just because you put some implants on someone and give them some estrogen pills, does not mean they can get pregnant. So Dummy, let me reiterate this, men in fact cannot get pregnant...unless of course you are really a woman, or Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Thanks,

Megan