Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dear Cornerstone Restaurant & Bar:

I was at your bar/banquet hall/playground this past Friday night and I would just like to tell you how bad you suck. Here I am going back to the suburbs, thinking nothing eventful would happen and I would have nothing one new to write about....I was right about the uneventful part, but my uneventful night at your Establishment gave me plenty of material. Now, there are several reasons I think you suck and I will give them to you in order of importance.

1. Is your slogan really "great food, great atmosphere"? Because 1. that's f'ing lame, and 2. I can't speak to the "great food" but if you really think you have a great atmosphere you need to get out more. My next few reasons will explain why I think there is no truth to this "great atmosphere" business.

2. You should really try to do more to keep the trash out of your bar. There were plenty of people I could comment on, or even write an entire blog about...but I will only mention one. The broad with the baby. Seriously who lets a woman with a 2 year old come into a bar at 10 o'clock at night? I mean seriously, the woman and her son were still there when I left at 11:30, what is wrong with the people that hang out at your bar? It would be one thing if it was around dinner time, and these people came for dinner, and maybe had a drink or two afterwards. But clearly if you are out at 11 you are not there for food, you are there to drink. What a bad mother. And what the hell is wrong with the people with her. If one of my friends brought their kid to a bar, I would call DCFS on their ass, then immediately defriend them from facebook. I would never want to be associated with a person like that. Which Cornerstone, might be a good idea for you too. Don't let trash like that into your bar because it reflects poorly on you. I suggest you institute a "no children past 9 o'clock policy" to prevent this from happening in the future.

3. Um, were you serious with that DJ? The music was so bad that any minute I was just waiting for the DJ to play some Mombo #5 or the Macarena. And at least if the music is bad, most places would have all the same kind of bad music, but your DJ went from awful country songs to rap, to Justin timberlake. It made my ears hurt. I think a monkey could pick out better songs on a jukebox than your DJ could. No one wonder no one was on the dance floor.

4. This whole banquet hall/bar thing you have going on is fucking weird. Pick one or the other. And since your bar sucks so bad I'm going to go with banquet hall, I hope you food is not as " great" as your atmosphere.

So again, I would like to reiterate that you suck. I actually don't know how you stay open, I hope you take my advice, it really would be unwise not to.

Thank you,
Megan

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Dear Fat Naked Broad in the Whirpool:

So it's actually been awhile since I encountered your fat naked body in the Whirlpool at Fitness Formula Club, but it has disturbed me for quit some time. I have had nightmares about this incidence for a month now. All I wanted to do was have a nice relaxing read in the whirlpool (with my bathing suit on of course), but as my luck would have it, that was not your plan. Out of the corner of my eye I see you walking towards me. The towels at FFC are really little, they barely fit around my chubby body....so there was no way they were fitting around your body, because fat naked lady your weighing in these days at about 3hundo right? So because the towel does not fit around you, instead of maybe strategically moving the towel to the side so maybe you are only showing some leg, a few rolls, and some side boob....you insist on "closing" the towel right across the front of your body. So I get to see a triangle like opening of your GIANT fat stomach and your hairy down there. As I see you walking towards me, I am praying that you go into the steam room or the sauna....but NO...you walk up the stairs to the whirlpool and drop your towel. At this moment I am horrified, I did not know people went into these things naked. I calm myself by thinking as soon as you get in, you will be covered by water and I will not see so much of your naked fat body. But oh fat naked lady you had other plans. You decide to plop your fat naked body right on the first step of the whirlpool...so not only are you now blocking my exit and can still see EVRERYTHING. Fat naked lady, you had to realize how uncomfortable you were making me, what is wrong with you? I pretended to read one more page of my book, then I faced the wall and walked sideways to get out so I would not have to look at you and all your rolls and your saggy boobs sitting on that step. I will never ever again go into a whirlpool at a gym. Fat naked lady can you please try and refrain from giving anyone else nightmares and put a GODDAMN bathing suit on? Is it that difficult? Aren't you uncomfortable walking around with your rolls exposed? Because I would be. Please do us all a favor and invest in a swimsuit...it's the end of the season I'm sure you can find an XXXL on clearance somewhere.

Thank You,
Megan

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Dear D-Bag in my Drafting Class:

Today we had our very first drafting class. The professor had us go around the room and talk about where we were from, college we want to, why we chose this law school, etc etc...all those "fun" icebreaker topics. When it came to your turn you blabbed on and on about you self like the typical egotistical law student that you are. When it came time to talk about why you went to "this" school, you said it was because when you had 5 min left on the LSAT you realized you were on bubble 22 and you should have been on bubble 23. I have several things to say about this statement... 1. GET OVER YOURSELF...even if this is the reason you went to JM no one cares. Just because you claim that is why you couldn't go anywhere else does not mean I believe you. How do I know you would have gotten a good enough LSAT score to get in somewhere else? 2. I'm pretty sure it is a basic test taking skill to make sure you are filling in the right bubbles, the fact that you couldn't even accomplish that simple task leads me to believe, you in fact would not have gotten in to a better school....actually I find it hard to believe you even got into this school. 3. Great job on officially insulting everyone in the class (especially the professor who is a very active alum who obviously loves this school). You comment did not make us respect you, or think you were smart which is what I think you were going for....it made us think you are a giant TOOL. Congratulations D-Bag, you are know the most hated person in the classroom, and it only took a matter of, oh about 10 min?. Oh and one more thing....if you f'ed up the LSAT so bad, why didn't you just retake? Maybe its because you wouldn't have your little "i filled in the wrong bubble excuse" anymore, and you would have to come to the realization that you do in fact just suck that bad.....can I repeat #1 one more time? GET OVER YOURSELF

Thank You,
Megan

Monday, August 24, 2009

Dear Girl With NO Pants On:

So today I was sitting in the lobby doing a little studying. I enjoy studying in the lobby of our building because it's not as quiet as my apartment, and today I learned it is an excellent spot to people watch. So no pants girl, you walked in (you had pants on at this point)...and you immediately start screaming at the door lady. You start screaming that "kenny" is not allowed to come in here anymore, this is my home, he is not to come here, you call the police if he comes here"....door lady looks very puzzled and you walk away, she repeats ok "no more", she has an accent so you think what she said was "relax." (how they sound similar I'm not sure). So you run back to her desk and start yelling some more...you tell her she has no idea what is going on, and "Kenny" is not to come into this building, you signed the lease not him yada yada yada... So you walk away, and about 5 min go by and "Kenny" walks in...he tells door lady he is just going to get his stuff, she tells him no, he tells her yes. Then I hear you sheepishly call from the hallway that he can come and get his stuff. I put my head back down and continue my reading....i think the excitement is over. Boy, was I wrong. About 10 minutes later the police come in, and guess what? Kenny was the one who called the police because you would not let him get his belongings. Well by the time the police come you decide to let him get his belongings in peace, and the police leave. I assume I will see Kenny leave with his belongings and this will be all over....Not 10 minutes go by, and I see you and Kenny walk back into the building holding dinner in your hands acting like you are a totally normal couple. Seriously? Not only did you cause a giant scene for no reason, the door lady will forever hate you. Well on to the no pants part..... 15 min later you walk back into the lobby wearing nothing but a t-shirt....now it was one of those slightly longer t-shirts that skinny girls can wear with leggings, but no pants girl 1. you are not skinny and 2. you didn't even have leggings on, nope just a t-shirt. Dear no pants girl: it is completely inappropriate to walk around with no pants on, I understand you live here, but keep the nakedness to your apartment....it would make us all a lot more happy.

Thank you,
Megan

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Dear Homeless Man Selling "Flutes":

I would just like to give you some words of advice. Your sales pitch that you start out with by asking "miss you are not afraid of African Americans are you" and then proceed to show me the metal pipe in your hand (i say pipe, you said "flute")..does not work. Why would I buy a "flute" from you, when from the beginning of our "conversation" I immediately felt like I was being attacked???? Sir, I will not give you money, nor will I buy a "flute" from you...and it has absolutely nothing to do with the color of your skin.

Thank You,
Megan

Dear Creepy Asian Boy:

So today I get a text from you saying "hi it's Dan, are you doing anything tonight." And I respond back "Dan who", as I don't recall meeting any Dans. You responded, "from last night, I walked you home." I really wanted to respond, no you did not walk me home...I was walking home and you decided to follow me and force me to converse with you until I got to my building. You then proceeded to ask me for my phone number....I really really thought I gave you a fake number, apparently not. Dear Dan, in the future do not tell a girl you just met you will "walk" her home. It's creepy, it was late, I did not know you and all I wanted to do was make it home without getting harassed by any homeless people. So if you could refrain from using my phone number in the future, it would be much appreciated.

Thank You,
Megan