Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Dear Freaks on the Dance Floor at Bootleggers:

Now, I realize I probably encounter people like you all the time, and just don’t pay attention. Normally when I go out I am too busy teaching people the “Baked Potato” (my signature dance move) to pay any attention to the way other people are dancing. Friday night however was an exception, because I gave up drinking for Lent, and everyone knows the Baked Potato only comes out after quite a few drinks. I’ll talk about you “Nasty Old Lady” first, because you pretty much are the reason I decided I will never drink after the age of 30. I would never want to embarrass myself when I’m old the way you did. And second, because you scarred my friend Dan for life, and I thought it was hilarious. I noticed you shortly after I walked in, because it’s hard to miss the chubby, hammered 50 year old lady trying to grind on the dance floor. After a few minutes of dancing by yourself you cozy on up behind Dan and try dancing with him. Dan humors you for a few seconds because at first we find this funny, but then you take it too far. You grab the poor kid’s hands and force them to grab your boobs, and then you proceed to rub his hands all up and down you. The entire time poor Dan is clenching his firsts together so tight trying not to touch you. After a few more uncomfortable minutes of this, you go away for awhile. About an hour later you are back again, once again trying to dance with someone who is about half your age, if not younger. When none of the boys at my table were willing to torture themselves anymore by dancing with you, you decide to take desperate measures to get their attention. You stick your beer bottle in your fat cleavage, and then proceed to do something to the bottle that makes me too uncomfortable to even talk about. Imagine how I felt witnessing it, if I can’t even talk about it? You Nasty Old Lady are disgusting. In the future can you please not get so trashed? And if you do, can you at least not molest my friends? Thanks.

Now on to you, Odd Couple. At several times in the night you were the only people dancing, so it was hard not to miss you. You were the weirdest couple I have ever seen. I have never seen a girl with such long hair. And let me tell you it’s nasty. There is nothing attractive about a girl with ratty, straggly hair that’s down to her knees. And your little boyfriend looked like the complete opposite of anyone someone dressed in a full length jean skirt who has Amish people hair would date. He was a little Hispanic dude wearing a white tee and a flat brim hat. And as weird as you guys are to look at, seeing you dance was absolutely disgusting. You basically looked like you were having sex on the dance floor. I think the only thing preventing you from actually having sex on the dance floor was the length of Amish girl’s skirt. You could have saved everyone the disgust and just gone home and done it. There is no need to subject other people to that. The worst part was you both kept touching the girl’s ratty nasty hair. It made me want to throw up. In the future, if you two are just going to go out by yourselves and make everyone else uncomfortable because of your dirty dance moves, can you just stay home? And if you’re not going to stay home, can you cut that nasty hair????



1 comment:

  1. So Thursday night I went out with some girls from school since we haven't been out since the semester started. Well, an older couple (I really think they were having an affair because no one is giddy about their husband/wife at that point in marriage) sitting the the bar were constantly making out. Then all of a sudden his junk is hanging out and she's straddling him... this is why I don't go out anymore. This stuff happens everytime I go out.