Dear Crazy Christians:

As I was walking to the train the other day I ran into a group of you passing out stack of "comics" to people walking by. I was curious to see what you were handing out so I took one. When I got on the train I flipped through the stack of comics and found one entitled "Party Girl." I immediately knew it was going to be hilarious, so it's the first one I decided to read. The premise of "Party Girl" is that the devil is throwing a party....that includes "drugs, alcohol, all the hottest bands, and low-grade condoms," and a girl who is going to the party is saved by her grandmother who prevents her from partaking in the "drinking, and drugs, and immoral sex." I have several things I need to say about this. 1. This comic was handed to me by a girl who was maybe 10 years old......Seriously? Do these kids you have handing out these comics read them? I didn't even know what a condom was when I was 10 years old....so I find it a little odd that you Crazy Christians would let your 10 year old pass out a comic that actually uses the term "low-grade" condom. And why are they "low-grade" condoms??? I bet you don't approve of any sort of condoms...not just the "low-grade" kind...so I think you might be sending the wrong message here. 2. Do you really think you are "saving" anyone by passing out these comics on the street? Most of the people that walked passed you did not even take them, and the majority of people that did probably threw them into the garbage immediately, they just took them because they felt bad for these poor kids who were being forced to harass people on the streets of Downtown Chicago. Anyone who actually read the comics (like me), probably just thinks you are crazy. 3. The address on the comic showed you were from a church in Bourbonnais....that's like an hour from Chicago, by the small chance you "reached" someone with your "message," they still wouldn't go to your church....they'd find some Christians in Chicago to associate with.
So Crazy Christians I really think you can find a better use for your children other than having them pass out comics on the street that no one is going to read, and if they do read them they are just going to have lots of reasons to think you are crazy. Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian myself and find nothing wrong with the fact that you want to "spread the word of God"....I just think you are going about it in all the wrong ways.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear David's Bridal Lady:

I go in to your store on Saturday to order my bridesmaid dress for my sisters wedding. I have previously tried the dress on so I did not need to try it on again, so I just got to go right up to the counter and order. You don't really get a good look at me, I just tell you the brides name and you start looking up the info on the computer. You keep looking down and you ask my name and ask if I am the Maid of Honor, and go oh "Megan, okay, a size 4?"..you then look up and go "oh no." Now lady I just start laughing, because I know I am not a size 4. But I think you should be careful with making comments like that. I think any other girl probably would have freaked out at you if you made a comment like that to them. So David's Bridal Lady, next time there is a clear typo in your computer system, instead of saying "oh, no"..which was basically you saying "wait a second, this says you are ordering a size 4, you're clearly not a size 4, you are much fatter."...you should probably just say something like "what size was the dress again?, just want to make sure what I have in the system is right". I'm not mad David's Bridal girl, but other chics defiantly would be, so in the future you should just watch what you say.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Creepy Beret Man (Episode Two):

Now normally I only devote one blog entry to each creeper I meet...but you creepy beret man are real special, you can't get the hint. I have now been avoiding the lobby as much as possible because I am actually afriad of you a little bit. But last week I really needed to use the internet and my internet was not working so I went and sat downstairs for like 20 min. As I was getting up to go back upstairs I see you out of the corner of my eye. I try to like run to the stairs so that I can get upstairs before you start talking to me. But no, you ran over and put your hand on the door to the stairs so that I couldn't get upstairs until I talked to you. You ask me where I have been, and I would have liked to say "avoiding you,"...but I don't want to piss you off because you seem like a psycho. So I tell you I have just been really busy with school work. I then tell you I really need to get going because I have homework to finish, and you go "I'll walk up with you." Really dude, you had just gotten into the lobby and you live on the 7th floor. Were you just coming downstairs to look for me? And do you really think I believe had I not been in the lobby you would have walked up 7 flight of stairs to get back to your apartment? So at this point I am super creeped out, and I don't know how to get out of it, so I just start walking up the stairs. When I get to my floor you stand in the hallway and continue to try to talk to me. You ask me what I am doing this week, and if maybe we can get dinner. I said "I don't think so", and you ask why. Seriously dude, what do you not get? I am not interested. I felt bad though so I then told you I am too busy with school. And you still try to argue with me about why I should be able to go to dinner with you. Creepy Beret Man I do not want to go to dinner with you, and in the future can you not follow me up the stairs? I don't like having to sleep with a knife by my bed...but I will continue to do it until you leave me alone.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Door Lady:

First off I would just like to say you take your job WAY too seriously. Like I know you are trying to keep this building safe and all, but like so many shady people already live here, I don't know who you are trying to protect when you are so crazy about making my guests sign in and not letting them up until you get a hold of me. Like my 15 year old cousin you make sign in when she is with me is a lot less shady then the crack heads that actually live in this building.



Anyways, now to my real beef with you. So Friday I walk into my apartment and I found my lock on the ground. That's right, my lock actually fell out of the door and onto the floor. Now the lock has been loose for sometime, but I didn't think it was possible for it to actually fall out, guess I was wrong. So I freak out, because like I have mentioned shady people live here and I had no intention of leaving my door unlocked (or with no lock, since mine FELL OUT), for longer than like 5 minutes. So Doorlady, I come show you the lock and ask if there is still maintenance people around. You say you will go check, you check and maintenance man is not here. So you tell me when he comes back you will show him the lock and have him come fix it. I say "oh no, I will just try to fix it myself"...and you slowly try to slide the lock out of my reach. You tell me you can't let me take the lock because you can't let me try to fix it on my own. Are you serious lady? Do you really think I am just going to leave my apartment without a lock? So I just grabbed the lock and tell you there was no way I was going to leave my apartment unlocked...you get all pissy and roll your eyes at me. But seriously door lady you are out of your freaking mind. And door lady I was able to fix the lock on my own without messing anything up so you can chill out next time this happens. I actually just duct taped the lock back onto the door....that's right, duct taped. But door lady that is not your problem...I will address with landlady how it's possible that the lock on my door sucks so bad and is such a piece of crap that it can actually just be duct taped back on. In the future though, don't actually expect people will leave their doors unlocked in this shady freaking place for as long as it would take for the maintenance people to come and fix the door.


Thanks,
Megan

Dear Crazy Dog People:

Since I have moved to the city I have noticed how obsessed with dogs people around here are. Like there is all these Pet Accessory stores all over the place, that don't sell like dog food and normal pet supplies. They sell like dog clothes and designer collars and leashes, and fancy dog biscuits that cost more than what I'd spend on food for myself. There's even a "dog boutique" at the Macy's on State St., it's rather ridiculous. But what I saw on Friday at your condo really wins the prize for craziest dog owner. I stopped at my cousin's after some Halloween costume shopping, and across the hall from them I see all your shoes out by your front door...and then I saw these 4 things that look like tiny little boxing gloves. So I ask my cousin what they are and she says DOG SHOES. You have to be F"ING kidding me. You have shoes for your dog???? This is absolutely insane. Dogs do not needs shoes, as they do not have human feet...they have paws. Paws which dogs have been walking on outside for centuries and have been completely fine with. I actually think your dog probably hates these stupid little boots. Because 1. he has to walk around looking completely ridiculous 2. they are probably annoying to walk in 3. it probably takes longer for him to be able to piss since before you go outside you need to put his "shoes" on him. I actually don't think people like you should be able to have animals, because this shows you are absolutely crazy. Dear Crazy Dog People stop torturing your dog, throw those dumb shoes out.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear StreetWise Man:

So on Friday I woke up late for class so I kept the same ratty hoodie I had slept in on, and my hair was a complete mess, in a nasty ponytail with my bang doing this gross "I haven't been straightened" wavy thing. It was also raining that day and I did not have an umbrella. Needless to say I looked like crap. I had an errand to run at the Daley Center, so as I'm walking down Randolph I walk past you. You were selling StreetWise, and as I walk past you, you say "hey pretty, how you doing today." Now StreetWise man you are not fooling anyone when you give out these compliments. I know you are usually the kind of person that would hit on me, but come on dude...I was looking anything but pretty that day. More than likely a compliment would not help you get me to give you money, but you'd have a much better chance if I thought you were sincere. Calling me pretty actually made me even less inclined to give you money because I knew you were clearly lying. So in the future StreetWise man, just ask for money instead of pissing me off more by giving me some cheesy fake compliment.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Creepy Beret Man:

So you hang out in my lobby all the time, creeping on all the girls. I actually don't like to sit in the lobby anymore because everytime I am in there you try to talk to me. At first I thought oh whatever, I will just talk to this guy, he seems harmless, probably just lonely. But no, the last time you talked to me you completely creeped me out. You now have a little nickname for me, you call me "your lawyer" 1. If I was actually a lawyer there is no way I would be living in that building and 2. If I was actually a lawyer I would not be yours. I think I want to have a no creepy client rule. Then at the end of the convo where you told doorlady you are going to talk to "your lawyer" you ask me if I would "like to eat fruit with you sometime"....r u serious???? Who asks someone that? Has that ever actually worked? "Hey girl, I got this awesome Pineapple upstairs, want to come eat it with me?" Maybe that is something that would work in whatever foreign country you are from, but this is America buddy...and asking someone you don't know to eat fruit with you is just plain weird and creepy. So after this whole fruit incident, everytime I see you in the lobby I try to put my head down and run for the stairs so I don't have to say hi to you. Well yesterday you were standing talking to the door man so there was no way I could not look at you when I came in. Since you were in mid convo with door man I decided I could go check my mail without you bothering me. Well I was wrong, I check my mail and then I had to the elevator, it opens right away so I think I can sneak on with out you even noticing me. Oh no, you stop your convo with door man basically in mid sentence so you can jump onto the elevator I am on. Dude seriously, it was soooo freaking obvious what you were doing. It was really so obvious that it was actually pretty pathetic. Regardless I was super creeped out....so just to warn you to stay away Creepy Beret man I have attached a photo of what I sleep next to each night, so you don't get any ideas. And trust me I have accidentally stabbed myself once with this, and it is not pleasant. So Creepy Beret man...stop being creepy.



Thanks,

Megan

Dear St. Louis:

So I know the title of this is Dear Chicago, but after spending a weekend in St. Louis, it is kind of hard not to comment on the things I saw. First of all, I just want to ask a giant WTF is with your city's choice in artwork? Like this statue of a fat rolly guy on a super chubby horse? It is just really disturbing looking, and I think you should have considered the view from the back before you commissioned this art work. And while we're on the topic of weird statues....seriously what is with the Arch? I mean it was cool to see and all, but seriously what a freaking waste of money.

OK, and on to the people and places...

Dear Drunken Fish: I had such high hopes for your bar. The name just sounded like it would be a great time. So I go there and was COMPLETELY disappointed. The places was empty besides some guy having a dance off by himself and this nasty couple that was groping each other on one of your couches. Seriously bars need to learn their lesson...if you want people to have a place to sit down, please just provide chairs. Chairs that only one person can sit on...if you put couches in your bar you are just asking to see some nasty PDA that no one wants to look at. Which brings me to this guy.... This guy is half of the nasty couple that was sitting (laying on each other) on the couch. While the skank got up to go the bathroom this guy fell asleep. Seriously, what is wrong these people? Don't you have a couch at home that you can be all over each other on? And then fall asleep on? I mean if you are so drunk that you are passing out in the bar, what prevented you from going home a long time ago? And Drunken Fish, what is wrong with you? Show some class, kick people like this out!

Dear Girl with the job from her dad: So I went to your lovely city for a leadership conference. During the conference there was a presentation about job searching, with a panel of recent grads. The second you got introduced I knew how you got your job, your last name is the same as the name of the firm. Seriously, what the heck were you doing on a panel about searching for jobs? What insight could you possibly have to give to people who are not going to get handed a job when they graduate? I'm going to assume that you never went to leadership conferences, because like you said during the panel you "knew from the beginning you had this job"....so really how many of us did you think were in the same situation as you? People don't get involved and do things like go to a leadership conference when they have a sweet job after graduation and daddy's law firm to take over when he retires. You should have done us all a favor and not shown up, because it was a freaking joke to listen to someone who didn't need to look for a job, talk about finding a job in this crap economy. Here's a hint, the only panel you belong on is one about being a spoiled brat, so next time save yourself the embarrassment and just say no next time you are asked to do a panel.

Dear St. Louis: All and all you're not that bad of a city (if you can even be considered a real city)....but I'll stick with Chicago.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear Bike Stealer:

It has been about a month and half now since you stole my bike, but I am still soooo freaking pissed about it. I guess I was naive to think that if I left my bike locked up outside my apt. for just one night it would be okay. You see bike stealer, the bike room in my building is down a set of windy stairs, and then the bike rack requires me to lift my bike up and place the wheel in the rack. I am a weakling, I do not have the strength to carry my bike downstairs and lift it onto a rack everyday. So I left it outside thinking my lock was thick enough and my bike was too old lady looking for anyone to steal...I guess I was wrong. I heard you outside my window in the middle of the night, but I just thought someone was getting their bike off the rack next to mine. But no, it was actually you, stealing my precious bike. You are actually lucky bike stealer, had I gotten out of bed to see what all the noise was about I would have threw my Rachel Ray knife out the window at you. The thing I don't get is why did you pick my bike? I hope you immediately sold it, because as I am assuming you are a thug or a homeless person....you would look like a complete fool on an old lady bike. Actually, I hope you didn't sell it, because if I ever see someone riding my bike I plan on tackling that person and taking it back. So Mr. Bike Stealer here is an idea, how about you give me my bike back to save us both from getting injured when I try to take my bike back. You can even just lock it right back up to the same bike rack you stole it from, since you also took my lock too. And here's some advice, next time you steal someone's bike can you leave the lock? You gave me false hope that maybe I had just forgotten where I had put my bike, if you had left the cut lock at least I wouldn't have thought I was going crazy, and I would have known what happened. In case you steal a lot of bikes (which I am sure you do) I have attached a picture so you can return the right one.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear Crazy Landlady:

Friday I was sitting in the lobby again, "my" Internet was not working so I needed to use the free Internet down there. A guy came in and asked if he could go up to his friend's apt. The door lady told him that the friend did not answer the phone (this guy must have already called looking for him), so the guy asked if she could call again. Door lady called the friends apt, and there was no answer. Then the guy said he was really concerned about the friend, they work together and he did not show up for work that day, and no one had heard from him. So door lady goes and knocks on his door, there is no answer. So when door lady comes back down she tells this guy that she has to go talk to her manager. Then you, crazy landlady, and your husband (still not sure why he's always there) come out and immediately are hostile to this poor guy. You tell him that you have a policy in this building that if a tenant does not answer the phone you are not going to be breaking down the door. Then you tell him he is trespassing and he needs to leave. The guy looked very taken a back and was confused because he was clearly just concerned about his friend, and not looking for trouble. You again repeat that he is trespassing and keep pointing at the door. The guy asks what is he suppose to do if he hasn't heard from his friend in a few days, and that if this happens he will just call the police since you are being uncooperative. You tell him you would be glad to call the police for him when the time comes. BROAD, you are nuts! After the guy left you start yelling at the poor door lady telling her she needs to be stern with this people and that he was not looking for a friend or concerned about this tenant, he was looking for CRACK. Seriously????? The guy looked completely normal, was in nice jeans and a lacoste polo, he was for sure not a crack head. He also seemed really sincere and actually concerned about his friend, and I think you are just nuts! Dear crazy landlady, if ever I am not answering my phone and I am not answering my door....please by all means KNOCK DOWN THE DOOR! This guy could be dead in his apartment, and you don't care. If I ever die in my apartment or go missing, the people who come looking for me are not looking for CRACK, so please let them up.

Thanks,
Megan