Dear Crazy Dog People:

Since I have moved to the city I have noticed how obsessed with dogs people around here are. Like there is all these Pet Accessory stores all over the place, that don't sell like dog food and normal pet supplies. They sell like dog clothes and designer collars and leashes, and fancy dog biscuits that cost more than what I'd spend on food for myself. There's even a "dog boutique" at the Macy's on State St., it's rather ridiculous. But what I saw on Friday at your condo really wins the prize for craziest dog owner. I stopped at my cousin's after some Halloween costume shopping, and across the hall from them I see all your shoes out by your front door...and then I saw these 4 things that look like tiny little boxing gloves. So I ask my cousin what they are and she says DOG SHOES. You have to be F"ING kidding me. You have shoes for your dog???? This is absolutely insane. Dogs do not needs shoes, as they do not have human feet...they have paws. Paws which dogs have been walking on outside for centuries and have been completely fine with. I actually think your dog probably hates these stupid little boots. Because 1. he has to walk around looking completely ridiculous 2. they are probably annoying to walk in 3. it probably takes longer for him to be able to piss since before you go outside you need to put his "shoes" on him. I actually don't think people like you should be able to have animals, because this shows you are absolutely crazy. Dear Crazy Dog People stop torturing your dog, throw those dumb shoes out.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear StreetWise Man:

So on Friday I woke up late for class so I kept the same ratty hoodie I had slept in on, and my hair was a complete mess, in a nasty ponytail with my bang doing this gross "I haven't been straightened" wavy thing. It was also raining that day and I did not have an umbrella. Needless to say I looked like crap. I had an errand to run at the Daley Center, so as I'm walking down Randolph I walk past you. You were selling StreetWise, and as I walk past you, you say "hey pretty, how you doing today." Now StreetWise man you are not fooling anyone when you give out these compliments. I know you are usually the kind of person that would hit on me, but come on dude...I was looking anything but pretty that day. More than likely a compliment would not help you get me to give you money, but you'd have a much better chance if I thought you were sincere. Calling me pretty actually made me even less inclined to give you money because I knew you were clearly lying. So in the future StreetWise man, just ask for money instead of pissing me off more by giving me some cheesy fake compliment.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Creepy Beret Man:

So you hang out in my lobby all the time, creeping on all the girls. I actually don't like to sit in the lobby anymore because everytime I am in there you try to talk to me. At first I thought oh whatever, I will just talk to this guy, he seems harmless, probably just lonely. But no, the last time you talked to me you completely creeped me out. You now have a little nickname for me, you call me "your lawyer" 1. If I was actually a lawyer there is no way I would be living in that building and 2. If I was actually a lawyer I would not be yours. I think I want to have a no creepy client rule. Then at the end of the convo where you told doorlady you are going to talk to "your lawyer" you ask me if I would "like to eat fruit with you sometime"....r u serious???? Who asks someone that? Has that ever actually worked? "Hey girl, I got this awesome Pineapple upstairs, want to come eat it with me?" Maybe that is something that would work in whatever foreign country you are from, but this is America buddy...and asking someone you don't know to eat fruit with you is just plain weird and creepy. So after this whole fruit incident, everytime I see you in the lobby I try to put my head down and run for the stairs so I don't have to say hi to you. Well yesterday you were standing talking to the door man so there was no way I could not look at you when I came in. Since you were in mid convo with door man I decided I could go check my mail without you bothering me. Well I was wrong, I check my mail and then I had to the elevator, it opens right away so I think I can sneak on with out you even noticing me. Oh no, you stop your convo with door man basically in mid sentence so you can jump onto the elevator I am on. Dude seriously, it was soooo freaking obvious what you were doing. It was really so obvious that it was actually pretty pathetic. Regardless I was super creeped out....so just to warn you to stay away Creepy Beret man I have attached a photo of what I sleep next to each night, so you don't get any ideas. And trust me I have accidentally stabbed myself once with this, and it is not pleasant. So Creepy Beret man...stop being creepy.



Thanks,

Megan

Dear St. Louis:

So I know the title of this is Dear Chicago, but after spending a weekend in St. Louis, it is kind of hard not to comment on the things I saw. First of all, I just want to ask a giant WTF is with your city's choice in artwork? Like this statue of a fat rolly guy on a super chubby horse? It is just really disturbing looking, and I think you should have considered the view from the back before you commissioned this art work. And while we're on the topic of weird statues....seriously what is with the Arch? I mean it was cool to see and all, but seriously what a freaking waste of money.

OK, and on to the people and places...

Dear Drunken Fish: I had such high hopes for your bar. The name just sounded like it would be a great time. So I go there and was COMPLETELY disappointed. The places was empty besides some guy having a dance off by himself and this nasty couple that was groping each other on one of your couches. Seriously bars need to learn their lesson...if you want people to have a place to sit down, please just provide chairs. Chairs that only one person can sit on...if you put couches in your bar you are just asking to see some nasty PDA that no one wants to look at. Which brings me to this guy.... This guy is half of the nasty couple that was sitting (laying on each other) on the couch. While the skank got up to go the bathroom this guy fell asleep. Seriously, what is wrong these people? Don't you have a couch at home that you can be all over each other on? And then fall asleep on? I mean if you are so drunk that you are passing out in the bar, what prevented you from going home a long time ago? And Drunken Fish, what is wrong with you? Show some class, kick people like this out!

Dear Girl with the job from her dad: So I went to your lovely city for a leadership conference. During the conference there was a presentation about job searching, with a panel of recent grads. The second you got introduced I knew how you got your job, your last name is the same as the name of the firm. Seriously, what the heck were you doing on a panel about searching for jobs? What insight could you possibly have to give to people who are not going to get handed a job when they graduate? I'm going to assume that you never went to leadership conferences, because like you said during the panel you "knew from the beginning you had this job"....so really how many of us did you think were in the same situation as you? People don't get involved and do things like go to a leadership conference when they have a sweet job after graduation and daddy's law firm to take over when he retires. You should have done us all a favor and not shown up, because it was a freaking joke to listen to someone who didn't need to look for a job, talk about finding a job in this crap economy. Here's a hint, the only panel you belong on is one about being a spoiled brat, so next time save yourself the embarrassment and just say no next time you are asked to do a panel.

Dear St. Louis: All and all you're not that bad of a city (if you can even be considered a real city)....but I'll stick with Chicago.

Thanks,

Megan