Dear Crazy B in the Laundry Room:

Today I went down to the lobby to throw out some garbage and then check my e-mail. I had a garbage bag, a box from my newly purchased humidifier, and my computer in hand, when I slipped and fell down about 5 stairs. I landed on my butt and my elbows in an attempt to save my computer. The thanks I got from my computer was it slamming into my face as I hit the ground. I sat on the ground for about 5 min yelling in pain, and did the rude doorman get up to help me? NO! I know he had to hear me yelling in pain as I hit the ground, you'd think he'd be a little more concerned? But anyways, after I walked out of the stairwell I put my computer down, and went to throw out my garbage, and YOU, B from the laundry room, were standing in the doorway that leads to the laundry room and the dumpsters. You barely let me get through the door....I throw my garbage out, and as I walk back through the doorway you ask me rudely with a lot of tude if I have any laundry in the dryers...I say no and keep walking. I then see a dorky little dude go into the laundry room...and immediately hear you yelling at the top of your lungs at this poor kid. Apparently dorky boy took your clothes out of the dryer and left them on the table. You screamed at this poor guy for probably about 10 min, why he stood there and put up with your screaming is beyond me...the second your crazy ass started yelling at me I would have walked out of the laundry room. Listen B, I'm guessing your clothes were sitting in that dryer for a very long time before you walked your dumb ass down to the laundry room to check on your clothes. It is you own fault...I'm guessing when you put your clothes in the dryer you noticed that a lot of the washing machines and dryers were in use. So you should have realized that you needed to get your clothes right when you were done. As you were yelling at this poor guy I heard you screaming about how there are bedbugs in this building and bla bla bla. Um, lady if you were sooo worried about the "bedbugs" in this building, you shouldn't be doing your laundry here. This poor dude taking your clothes out of the dryer did not give you bedbugs. You were just looking for a reason to scream more. It is not that big of a deal that he took your clothes out of the dryer, so you decided to be a bitch and scream about bedbugs. What kind of crazy person screams at someone they don't know, when it's their own fault for leaving their clothes in the dryer for sooo long? Again, like when I fell, the door man didn't step in. He should have gotten up and told you to shut the f' up. Apparently the old man is useless....makes me feel rather safe here. But regardless of what the doorman did or didn't do....you should have not been acting like such a B, go to a laundry mat and wait there for your clothes to dry if you don't want them taken out of the dryer. There is like 10 dryers in that laundry room for a building that has 100s of people living in it. You can't expect to be able to leave your clothes in the dryer forever and not think someone else might take them out. So B in the laundry room, just know that if I ever need to take your clothes out of the dryer I will....and I won't put up with your shit like little dorky dude did.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear Drug Dealer and Girl with No Friends in my lobby:

Now, I am addressing this to both of you because these incidents happened rather close together, and figure why not knock them both out at the same time? Drug Dealer...you're first. You come into my lobby last night, with your "cousin" and go to the door lady and tell her you're here for whatever apartment number. She looks at you rather skeptical so I am guessing you have been here before, and she has had problems. She calls, no answer. She tells you there was no answer so she can't let you up. You ask her if you can use the phone to call a different number because you are here for a "business" and you need to go up. She then asks you why you can't use your own phone, and you said because you need to call the "business" number, and you don't have it on that phone. What you said made absolutely no sense, I don't know if door lady just wanted to get rid of you or what the deal was, but she let you use the phone. You call a different number and tell whoever is on the phone that they need to get a hold of "her" because the "European" door lady thinks you are here for "alternative" purposes, and not for your "business deal". OK buddy, you come in to the apartment at 8:00 on a Saturday night, wearing a du-rag and jeans that are falling off your ass, telling the door lady you're here to work on a "business." Really, what is that "business"...what do you think the door lady thinks when she sees the way you are dressed, you're being all shady about using the phone and trying to get a hold of the chic, and it's a Saturday night? I'd think the only people working on "business" at that time are drug dealers and prostitutes. So buddy, don't get all pissed off when the door lady is skeptical that you are here for alternative purposes....because I think we all know that you ARE.
And on to you "girl with no friends." This morning I am sitting in the lobby, and there is two other people. A blonde girl and some Asian kid. You walk up to the blonde girl and ask her if she has lived in this building for awhile. I think the blonde girl thinks you are asking her because it has something to do with the fight that just took place in the laundry room...(two people got in a fight because one took the others wet clothes out of the dryer before they were done). I thought, and I think blonde girl thought, you wanted a witness to this fight, or you wanted to know the policy on taking people's clothes out of a dryer when they have been sitting there for a long time. Apparently no, you were just looking for some friends. You tell blondie that you are new to the building, and you don't know many girls, and would she like to hang out sometime. Now girl with no friends, maybe this is the reason you don't have any friends. Who goes up to a rando girl and asks if they want to be friends? It would be one thing if you had been sitting down here in the lobby like the rest of us, and you and blondie struck up a conversation. But no, you came down to the lobby, walked right up to her, and asked her to hang out. Do you realize how weird that is? And how do you know blondie is the kind of person you even want to be friends with? You literally talked to her for 2 seconds before you said you wanted to hang out with her. And then you didn't even like stay to talk, you left like almost immediately, it was just freaking creepy. I am also a little bothered by the fact that you didn't ask me to be your friend. Now I would have been equally as creeped out as blondie was...but it still makes me wonder why you picked her and not me. Why don't you want to be friends with me? You picked the cuter of the two girls, and decided to talk to her. Um, listen lady, if you have to ask strangers to be your friends, you shouldn't be sooo picky. If I was in your position I would personally pick the chubby girl with the greasy hair that's in sweatpants over the cute blonde that's all dressed up, because out of the two who do you think is most likely to also have no friends, and be willing to become friends with a rando in her building? Now, I am not saying I would have been willing to hang out with you, I am just saying from looks alone it would have made sense to try and talk to me first. Maybe you should start hanging out in the lobby more, you might find friends that way. But Girl with No Friends its freaking creepy to just walk up to some girl you've never met before and ask her if you can come up to her apartment sometime and hang out.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear People Hatin' on my Moon Boots:

Do you people live in Chicago? Do you understand how cold it gets out? I occasionally walk to work because I am too cheap to pay for the CTA, or sometimes don't appreciate having to wait forever for a bus to finally show up just to see it drive right passed my stop because it couldn't possibly stuff another person on it. Why don't you try walking a mile and a half with regular boots on and tell me your feet are not soaking wet and freezing cold when you get to your destination. My moon boots on the other hand keep my feet as dry as possible. Not one ounce of water has touched my feet since I began wearing my moon boots. I have walked through several inch deep puddles and snow piles and my feet have not been cold or wet once. Now I understand the boots are a little funny looking, but don't knock them until you try them. I see the looks people give me as I clomp passed them in my boots. Most people just stare, some people give me dirty looks, and other people elbow the person next to them and point at me. Some people comment, and they're always one of those comments where the person says something that's not exactly nice but not exactly mean, but I can tell they are judging me. Like the man in my building who said "ddaaammnnn girl, those are some BOOTS!" Now, that wasn't necessarily a bad comment about my boots, but I could tell by his voice what he really meant to say was "Ddddddaaaammmnnn girl, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING???" or maybe "dddaaaammmmnnn girl, where's the spaceship I hope you just got off, because nothing else would justify wearing those kind of boots." Then there's the people who ask if they are warm....are you blind???? I just assume those kind of people feel the need to make some comment about my boots but don't have anything to say that wouldn't sound rude, so they ask me an obvious question like "are they warm" or "what kind of boots are those?" They don't say Moon Boots or anything right across the front of them. I bet some of you are thinking, "how hypocritical of someone who judges people for a living (and by living I mean the $4.00 I've made off the adds on my blog) to get mad when someone judges something she wears." Oh but Moon Boot Haters, the difference between me and the people I write about is: moon boots are awesome and leggings/smelly homeless people/crackheads/atheists/fat naked ladies etc. are anything but awesome. So quit hatin' on my moon boots, get yourself a pair, and you will understand.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear Smelly Man on the 36:

To get home from school I can either take the 22 or the 36 bus. I prefer the 22, but if I don't see it coming and the 36 is there I will take it...it's only an extra block or two walk to my apartment. Well today I was a little mad I didn't just wait for the 22. I get on, and go sit towards the back of the bus. About two stops down you get on. I can tell you are homeless by the beat up plastic bags and the suitcase that is about to fall apart that you are carrying. You walk to about the middle of the bus and plop your suitcase and 5 plastic bags across a row of 3 seats. Now buddy, I understand you have a lot of stuff, but it was getting close to rush hour, and there was a lot of people already on this bus. It's complete BS that you took up a whole row of seats, and a handicapped row at that. You then proceed to stand in the middle of the aisle and face forward (I was sitting several rows behind you)...and you go to hike your pants up higher or something, and end up exposing your ENTIRE hairy butt and nasty nasty underwear. Now at this point I have to wonder why you even bother wearing underwear. It was so incredibly filthy looking that I can't even imagine how long you have been wearing it for. But that is besides the point...can you please not expose your entire ass to a bus full of people?? That was a little old lady sitting directly behind you that saw the whole thing waaayyyy to up close. She was absolutely appalled. I am surprised she did not get up and move, because once you sat down we both found something else to be completely appalled by, your smell. Now I get it that you probably can't shower that often...but can you at least not pee on yourself? Because that's exactly what the entire bus smelled like once you sat down...pee. I thought about getting off the bus the smell was so bad...but it was raining and I didn't feel like waiting for another bus. So please smelly man, if possible get some pants that fit so you don't expose yourself to any more old ladies, and if you can't stop peeing on yourself, change your clothes once in awhile, will ya? You gotta have something else to wear in that suitcase. you're carrying around.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Richard Roeper:

If older women can be 'cougars,' older men are ... :: CHICAGO SUN-TIMES :: Richard Roeper

I was in the dentist's office today, trying to make my next appointment when my mom called me to tell me I was quoted in your article. I have looked in the paper everyday since I e-mailed you a few weeks ago about your "cougar" article, in hopes that you would write a response to the e-mail I sent you. So needless to say, I was rather excited when I found out I made the article today. The receptionist at the dentist office probably thinks I am crazy because I was yelling into the phone when I found out, and then ignored her for the next 5 minutes while I texted all my friends to tell them. And then I read the article and I'd have to say I was a little disappointed that, as one friend put it, "[you] owned me." Because, I never tried to say that Manther was going to be as popular as cougar. Some woman like being called a cougar, no dude would like being called a manther, it makes them sound creepy, which is kind of the point. My only reason for e-mailing you was to inform you there is in fact a word for men, that is similar to cougar. I agree with you that it won't catch on quite like cougar has, and I'm also pretty sure George Clooney would never use the term to refer to himself. Maybe you don't like the word because you know you fit into the category. You're single, and old, and a little famous, so I'm just going to guess you date younger chics. I'm sure you wouldn't want someone calling you a word that sounds like "a second-tier character in a Marvel comic book." But Richard, no matter how you decided to spin it since you didn't like being proven wrong, I still think it's pretty freaking awesome you quoted me.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Museum of Science and Industry:

So today my mother thought it would be a great idea to go to your museum. Now, I don't know what she was thinking because the place was a freaking zoo...picking a day when all children are off school was a horrriiibbbllle idea. The place was absolutely packed, and all I wanted to do all day was throw my elbows into the people blocking me from seeing the exhibits and trip whiny little kids. I think you should have some kind of limit on the amount of people you let in there...I mean I was trying to look at the Fairy Castle, and the sign in the room actually said no more than 10 people could be in there at a time, there was about 40. That's ridiculous, the Fairy Castle is my favorite thing at the whole museum and I had to push through a layer of two people to see it. I think part of the problem is no one leashes their damn kids. Seriously, I saw only one kid on a leash out of the thousands that were there. If kids were leashed they would have to stay much closer to their parents, and wouldn't be as much in my way. I think you need to institute a policy that any kid that gets in for the reduced "children" price should be on a leash. If kids were leashed there also wouldn't be any incidents like the one I witnessed. As I was standing waiting for the rest of my group to meet me at the entrance, this crazy lady with this super red face comes screaming towards the escalators, yelling STOP!...then I see her trying to catch her kid that is now trying to run up the down escalator, in the process almost falling down the escalator and knocking down a security guard. Instead of trying to pull this kid up the down escalator, this dumb broad could have just ridden the escalator down, grabbed on to the kid and then came back up the up. But regardless, it would not have happened had this kid been on a leash. And while all the children running wildly around really bothered me, I also witnessed the most disturbing thing in the entire world at your museum, and I suggest you decide to stop showing it in order to not traumatize any more people. In the farm section, there is a little room that shows a big pretend pig feeding her pretend baby pigs...and above them there is a video that keeps replaying. Part of the video is the birth of a piglet...I am surprised I did not vomit right there. I did immediately start gagging as I saw this tiny slimy little pig being squeezed out of what I could swear was the pig's butthole. It was honestly the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed...isn't this suppose to be a family friendly museum? I would have rather scooped one eye out with a spoon than have to witness that again, and I would certainly never want my children to see it. I guess that's where the leash would again come in handy, if I saw them looking at something I didn't want them to see I could just yank the leash real hard and pull them away from the screen. So seriously Museum...please consider this leash policy....and please please please BURN that tape of the pig giving birth!

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Crazies on the 156:

Today I was waiting for the 156 for what felt like forever. As I was standing waiting for the bus, this lady in a fur coat kept walking around stomping her feet. She had boots on so it was making a loud noise and it was rather annoying. Then she went into the street to see if the bus was coming and continued to stomp her feet, it was like she was having a little tantrum because the bus wasn't there. As I was watching this I was thinking, maybe I could blog about this lady. I haven't had any really interesting things happen to me lately, and this broad seems crazy enough for me to talk about. Luckily, when I actually got on the bus, you people were on it, and I didn't have to devote a whole post to some broad in a fur coat having a tantrum. I get on and I look to my left and I see what I will call Crazy Couple . You, Crazy Couple are arguing, and just generally making a scene, and you look crazy and possibly homeless, so I decide it would be best for me to walk to the back of the bus. I take a seat, but continue to watch you arguing. A few stops down, crazy lady gets up, starts yelling at crazy guy, and sits somewhere else. Crazy Guy gets up and follows her, and is now just standing in front of people yelling at lady. While guy is standing, what I will call "White Trash Couple" gets on the bus. They try to walk passed crazy dude , but he will not move. They push past him and he then calls the white trash lady fat. This sets white trash guy off, he starts screaming and telling the other guy he is going to kill him. People from the bus try and get up and intervene...they try to explain to white trash guy these people have been causing trouble the whole bus ride, and to just let it go...they are obviously crazy. White trash guy will not let it go....the bus driver had to stop the bus, get up and try to control the yelling...telling crazy guy he is going to have to get off the bus. Then in the midst of white trash guy and crazy guy still yelling at each other, crazy lady gets up and punches white trash lady in the head. I'd have to say, it was pretty freaking awesome. So then, bus driver has no choice but to call the police, white trash couple keeps yelling about how crazy guy better not get off the bus, and white trash guy will f'ing kill him if he tries to get off the bus...bla bla bla. Some more yelling happens for like 5 more min. Crazy guy starts accusing the bus driver of yelling at him because he's black. He must have said this 5 times, because right before the police got there all I could hear over and over again was "I don't care if your green, purple, or yellow...you started this." Finally the police get there and block off the bus...one squad car in front the other in the back of the bus. The police ask a few people what happen, then arrest the crazy couple. All while the crazy lady keeps repeating "but what did I do"....bitch, you punched someone in the head, that's what you did. As I am standing waiting for the next bus to come by and pick all the passengers up, I hear white trash lady telling white trash guy she is going to the hospital. White Trash lady, you did not need to go to the hospital...crazy lady punched you in the head, with people standing in between trying to intervene. There is no way it could have possibly done that much damage. And I don't know what you are going to prove by going to the hospital, they will tell you there is nothing wrong with you. And if you are just doing it to try and sue, crazy couple clearly have no money, and the CTA didn't do anything wrong. You and white trash guy could have kept your mouths shut and ignored crazy couple like EVERYONE else on the bus had been doing all along. From now on white trash couple can you just ignore crazy people on the bus? It's always worked well for me. And crazy couple, I hope you just stay of the bus altogether.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Girls Who Don't Wear Pants:

Now, I really didn't think I would ever have to write about this, because I thought the whole "legging" trend would go away, but it hasn't. And I have noticed a real increase of you no pants people since finals have started at school. I don't know why, but it was like all of sudden half the female population at John Marshall decided..."hey, I've been looking normal all semester, but it's finals time and I want to be comfortable, so I'm going to start coming to school with no pants on."And when I say no pants, I mean you girls who wear leggings with shirts that don't even cover your butts, with the leggings usually tucked into some boots. Now while I don't like leggings in general, I can understand why someone would want to wear them, they seem like they would be rather comfortable. What I have a problem with is when you people wear them like they are pants. Leggings are not pants, they are like a thick pair of tights. Would you wear tights and a shirt that barely covers your ass? Most people wouldn't. So you should not do that with leggings. I think this should be a rule, if the shirt you are wearing is not long enough to be worn as a dress, then you should not be wearing leggings under it. And when I say long enough to be worn as a dress, I mean something that covers well below your butt. This advice becomes even more important for girls who aren't exactly skinny. Because, as a wise girl once said "Spandex is a privilege, not a right." While I don't think being skinny gives someone an excuse to not wear pants, I think the chubbier you are, the worse the leggings look. I personally would never wear leggings because I think they would make my legs look so small compared to my chubby top half, that I would loook like an apple on toothpicks. Plus, it really helps show off that cellulite. You don't want to end up like these ladies...http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?tag=tight-pants . So girls, please put some pants on, and if you are not going to, wear a longer shirt!

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Drunkass in My Hallway:

Yesterday I was sleeping, and was rudely woken up by your loud drunken ramblings while you were fighting on the phone with what I suppose was your girlfriend. All I hear is you drunkenly repeating yourself and asking for some number. You then call who I assume is one of your girlfriend's friends, asking her why "Heidi" keeps sending you text messages saying she "wants nothing to fucking do with you." Now, I think I am giving you the benefit of the doubt when I assume this "Heidi" is or was your girlfriend. You could be like the rest of the weirdos in this building and be a big creep and just plain stalking this girl who wants nothing to f'ing to with you. But from what I was able to make out from your drunken conversation I don't think this is the case. So...you blabber on and on on the phone repeating yourself numerous times about how you don't want to keep getting these text messages from "Heidi", and you keep asking the friend why she is sending them and what you can do about it. You then tell the friend that she should come over, because you "just have about 8 or 9 people over, you're just chillin', playing some poker."...when I heard you say that I was actually shocked, because while I could hear you loud and clear out in the hallway, I would have never had any clue you had so many people in your apt. I mean one I was curious to know how you even fit that many people in your apartment, because I think the most I have ever had in mine was about 4 and that was a tight squeeze. I was also surprised because right when you were giving the girl on the phone directions I decided to check my phone to see what time it was....and it was ohhh just 4:30 in the morning. Why would you invite more people over at 4:30 Like are you serious Drunkass? What the hell were you doing with so many people in your apt at this time? I mean don't you realize that there are people around you trying to sleep? Ya know, like the 2 little children that live next door to you. Now while I find it odd, as I'm sure you do, that a family of 4 would choose to live in this building, I still respect the fact that they have little kids. I would never stand outside the door and basically yell into the phone for like a half hour at that time in the morning. If I wasn't so tired and lazy I would have gotten up and yelled at you, but by the time I was so fed up with you I was actually ready to get out of bed, you finally shut up. I think it was because you left to go stalk your girlfriend, which is a story in itself that I won't comment on at this time. But Drunkass, in the future can you get in fights with the girls you stalk...I mean your "girlfriend" while you are in your apartment?

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Creepos That Live Around Me:

So I don’t pay for my own internet because it’s usually fairly easy to pick up someone who lives near me’s. If I can’t pick up a neighbor's, I usually can go to the lobby. Although by now you all know I like to avoid doing that so I don’t run into creepy beret man. I would just like to say you are all a bunch of freaking weirdos. This is just a sampling of the network names I see when I try to get on other people networks: "Thuglife", "I touch myself," "wiener," (how creative), and the one I think that is the creepiest…."loner." Now the other ones I assume are just immature guys. I know this because in college I shared my internet with my guy friends and our network name was "sugar tits."But loner? That just screams…."I am a serial killer." I am just happy that the "loner" network only has one bar for me…which means "low connectivity," which means…loner does not live that close to me. It’s nice to know that the serial killer in the building does not live directly next door to me. So creepos in the building, I think you should change your network names…for some of you its just plain immature, but others your networks are frightening people in the building. I know there are weird people who live in this building, but I don’t need to be reminded of it when I am in my apartment by myself just trying to get on the internet.

Thanks,
Megan