Dear Bird:

I'm walking down State Street today, doing a little shopping, when all of the sudden I feel something hit my nose. I assume its water from a window washer or something, that's generally what it ends up being when I feel something drop on me. So I go to wipe the "water" off my nose when I inhale this horrendous smell. I look down at my hand and I see brown stuff all over it. I look over to my friend and ask her if I have anything on my face, she can barely get the words out but tells me she thinks there is bird shit on my face. I immediately start freaking out in the middle of the crosswalk, a mix of yelling and laughing hysterically. Everyone else walking down state street must have thought I was insane. But come on, how would you react if something crapped on your face? So Mr. Bird, is there anyway you can land before you crap in the future? I mean isn't that a little distracting trying to fly and go to the bathroom at the same time? Do all us people a favor and start crapping on the ground, I personally would rather walk in bird shit than have it on my face.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear "Garbage" Picker:

So I go to pick up the last bit of furniture left in my apt yesterday. I walk in to a filthy apartment left by my subletter (thanks a lot a-hole!), so needless to say I was already in a bad mood. I get all my furniture out of my apt, I load half of it into my brother's car and send him on his way. I leave the other half behind my building and leave it for my aunt to come pick it up. I go back upstairs to try and clean some of the mess my filthy subletter left. Not 15 minutes go by when I'm looking out my window and I see a beat up red truck with a bunch of junk piled on top of it. Oh wait...that wasn't junk, it was my futon and table and chairs!!! That's right, I go upstairs for a measly 15 minutes, and you garbage picker managed to find your way down my dead end street and then into the alley and load up my furniture. So I immediately start screaming out the window at you. You look around all confused for a second and finally look up and see the lunatic on the 2nd floor screaming "THAT'S NOT GARBAGE, THAT'S NOT GARBAGE, GET MY SHIT OUTTA YOUR TRUCK." So you back it up, and pull back down the alley. I meet you downstairs and start screaming at you some more. You barely speak English and just keep saying "I sorry, I sorry. It was next to dumpster" No buddy it wasn't, it was about 15 feet away from the dumpster. Seriously dude I don't know how you managed to find my stuff so quickly, but next time if it's not in the dumpster or right next to it, maybe you should think twice about taking it. Or here's a novel idea, how 'bout you get a job and you won't have to go around stealing other people's furniture to scrap.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear "Hurricane Simulator:"

So I am walking through the mall one day with my mom, and we see you, Hurricane Simulator. We were both very confused on what you could possibly do to simulate a hurricane. We see there is a opening at the bottom of your door, so you can't possibly spray water on people. Plus I don't think the mall would have allowed you to set up shop in there if it would mean people walking around soaking wet after they tried you out. So Sue thinks it would be a great idea for me to try it. I figured as long as she was going to pay the $2, why not. So I step in and shut the door. Sue puts the money in and we wait to see what happens. And then a fucking fan starts to blow on me. And that's all that happens. I stand under this dumbass fan for about a minute, and then the "hurricane" stops. Are you f'ing kidding me? This was the biggest waste of $2 in the entire world. Now being from the Midwest and all, I cannot say I have actually ever experienced a real hurricane. But I have seen that shit on TV, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't feel like a dinky little fan blowing on you. Hurricane Simulator, if you are going to claim you simulate hurricanes you need to step up your game.

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Trashy Old People:

So, being the good daughter that I am, I decide to take my mom, Sue, to the Dixie Chicks concert a few weeks ago. We had pretty decent seats, they were at the back of solider field, but in the first section. There was a big section on the field in front of us that was open....that's where you were sitting, or should I say laying, trashy old people. I first noticed you because the dude from your duo looked a lot older than the chic. But the closer I looked the more I think that was just because you, chic, were just dressed like a trashy teenager, you aren't actually one. A few minutes later I see you standing in this big open space making out. You then decide to get an old lady that's kind of near you to take your picture, while you are making out. Seriously, I think 15 year olds do that kind of stuff.....did you then go home and post it on your facebook page? It pretty much went downhill from there. You plop yourselves down in the middle of the field and begin hanging all over each. At one point I really thought you were just going to have sex right there on the field. It was really disgusting. I think you were both soooo drunk that you didn't realize there was at least 8 sections full of people watching you...waiting to see how far the security guards would let you go before they kicked you out. You eventually got up, and I'm assuming either found your way to your seats, or went home and done it like you obviously wanted to. But seriously trashy old people, maybe next time you go to a concert you should hold off on the booze until at least the concert starts so you don't put on a show for 100s if not 1000s of people.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear Michigan:

Now I realize my blog is called "Dear Chicago" but you had your tourism people standing in Union Station the other day handing out Michigan tourism magazines, so I feel it is appropriate to write to you. In this tourism magazine your people were handing out there was  an add to go to a website and enter a contest to win a trip to Michigan. I am a big fan of Michigan, as well as contests so of course I went to the website. There were 12 different places that you could possibly win a trip to. I was in shock when I saw one of them was Flint. That's right I said Flint, Michigan. Are you people out of your minds??? Do you think people have not seen that Michael Moore movie? I still have nightmares about some hillbilly skinning a rabbit for food from watching that documentary. You seriously have to think people are stupid to think winning a contest to go on a trip to Flint would be a good thing. If I were to enter and win this trip....you couldn't pay me money to go on this trip. Do everyone a favor and don't insult the people that entered this contest by offering them a "vacation" to Flint. How 'bout you just offer them the $300 or so bucks this vacation would cost instead???

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Skanks:

Please put your vaginas away. Just because we have had a few 80 degree days does not mean you can all go flashing your va jay jays to the public. I cannot even count the amount of chics I have seen walking down the street wearing "dresses" that barely covered their asses. I cringe even thinking about what I am about to say, but maybe if you cannot find longer "dresses" you should put on leggings. While you will still not be wearing pants, at least no one will be able to see anything they are not supposed to see. Now as inappropriate I think it is for you all to wear shirts that you try to play off as dresses, it's most inappropriate when you are at church. I go to mass this morning, and it is just unbelievable the kinds of things people wear in there. Now, I will have to admit, the dresses people were wearing at mass were not short enough to see a flash of cooch, but they were still WAY to short for church. How could you feel comfortable going into God's House wearing a skirt that went to the middle of your thigh?? What were you people thinking? And as much as the length of skirts bothered me, the biggest skank, most inappropriate church wear goes to the girl who was carrying a Playboy Bunny purse. Are you f'ing kidding me? Those things are trashy to walk around with just in public, let alone bringing it into church. I don't know if you thought it was cute or something because it's easter and you had a bunny on your purse...but let me tell you, it wasn't cute, it was beyond trashy. And here is another tip for you C and E's....tank tops are not acceptable to wear in church. Especially for you fat broads (and there were plenty). No one wants to see you flabby arms and you fat boobs hanging out, especially not in church. Even you skinny chics, having your boobs hang out in mass is just gross. Please cover yourselves up...maybe a little cardigan or something. So skanks, quit being skanks.




Thanks,

Megan

Dear Bitch Boy Carrying Your Girlfriend's Purse:

So I decided to take advantage of this wonderful Chicago weather the other day and walked to work. As I was walking over the bridge over the river I see you Bitch Boy, and your gf, walking happily across the bridge holding hands. I then notice you are holding a bag...when I got closer I noticed that bag was a purse. For about 30 seconds I give you the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe you are just holding the purse for a second for your girlfriend while does something. But no, that was not the case, because you keep walking, holding hands across the bridge. I walked behind you for like one more whole block, and you were STILL carrying her purse. What the hell is wrong with you? What kind of little sissy are you that you are going to walk around in public carrying your girlfriends purse for more than like 2 seconds? Because that would be the only way it would be acceptable, if maybe she needed to tie her shoe or something and you held it while she did that. But carrying it down the street for who knows how long? I personally think there is not only something wrong with you, but your girlfriend as well. What girl wants to date someone who is such a little bitch that she can get him to carry her purse for an extended period of time? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a boyfriend I could order around...but not soo much that I would make him look like a little sally while we are out in public. I think you should take some advice from me, Bitch Boy, and dump that broad. Any chic who is bitchy enough to demand that her boyfriend carry her purse around in public needs to get the boot. And if you can't dump her, how 'bout you stand up for yourself and tell her you're not going to carry her purse anymore?

Thanks,
Megan

Dear Man Who Smells Worse than the Elephants at the Zoo:

Now, I have experienced some awful smells while riding the CTA...but you Sir were by FAR the worst smelling person I have ever had to deal with. Now the last time there was a smelly homeless man on the CTA part of the reason I could smell him was because he was pretty close to me, I don't think the entire bus was dealing with as pungent a smell as I was. But not this time, I actually couldn't even see where you were sitting, I could only smell you. And judging by the looks on everyone’s faces, and the old broad screaming at the bus driver to open the window, I think everyone else smelled you as well. You smelled soooo bad that I actually had to get off the bus, I couldn't take it. I'd rather walk a mile in cold and windy Chicago weather than have to smell you, that's how bad it was. I am not exaggerating, or even trying to be funny when I say you literally smelled like the zoo. It was a mix of really strong smelling urine and like you crapped your pants...several times. I wasn't even the only person to get off the bus, when the driver got up to open a window to shut the old lady up, about 5 people got off the bus with really pissed off looks on their faces, which lead me to believe that was not their stop and they were annoyed they had to get off. I mean, come on dude, it's obvious you were homeless, so where were you even going on that bus? Can you just not torture people and stay outside? I highly doubt you were going anywhere important.




Thanks,
Megan

Dear Crazy Obama Haters on the Corner of State and Jackson:

Now I am going to preface this letter by saying that I also am not a fan of the President and his policies. However, I think you people take it waaayyyyyy too far, and just make yourselves look like crazy idiots. Now I would be okay with that fact that you make yourself look like crazy idiots, but you also make all conservative people look bad, crazy liberals like to associate crazy conservatives with normal ones to try and make us all look crazy. (why do you think the media is giving so much attention to the "tea party" movement????) You stand on the corner of State and Jackson with a table with some flyers and some lovely little posters. Since I did not waste my time going to pick up your flyers, my main problem with you is the posters. You had a poster similar to the one I have to the right. A picture of Obama with a Hitler mustache. What the F is wrong with you people??? Can you please explain to me how Obama is anything like Hitler? Now when I go to your idiotic website the pictures of Obama as Hitler are in the section about the healthcare debate. Now there are many people who believe the healthcare legislation Obama is shoving through Congress is socialist. Well here's a history lesson for you idiots, Hitler was a fascist, not a socialist. So maybe you should pick a new historical figure to compare him to. But no, you won't do that because you want to insight anger in people, get them all riled up so that they start a fight with you, so you can then preach your idiotic views to them. If you didn't have something so extreme, and sooo wrong, no on would pay any attention to you. I personally was looking out the window at your idiots for about a half hour because I was hoping someone would come up and punch one of you, it didn't happen, but you certainly deserved it. The second poster you have says "Send Obama to the Moon" apparently you people are all heated up about Obama saying he doesn't want to fund NASA anymore. Seriously, do you know what kind of debt our country is in? Why the F are we going to send people into space right now? Please give me one good thing it would do for this country? One of my friends told me we need to go to the moon because "what if there are magical things up there we haven't discovered?" That right there solidified my thoughts on why it is completely asinine to be pushing NASA funding right now. My last problem with you people is the fact that every time I have seen you standing out there, you always have one black person at your table. Like you think having a black person standing there is somehow going to add to your credibility? It doesn't help that the guy just stands there while you do all the talking, which leads me to believe that you paid him to stand there because you think people are going to be stupid enough to believe "wow, even black people don't like Obama" just because you found one idiot who agreed with you/or you found someone that would take your money. It also doesn't help that the guy you paid looks exactly (or maybe is) the guy who stands outside the Old Navy on State Street yelling into a microphone at every boy that walks by in skinny jeans that he is going to hell because he is a homosexual. Yea, you found yourself a real credible person to help your cause. So Idiots, please stop wasting your time, and quit making people like me look bad, because some people might mistakenly believe all conservatives think like you. And seriosuly, Obama is nothing like Hitler, and you are not going to convince anyone to agree with your ignorant views.

Thanks,

Megan

Dear Freaks on the Dance Floor at Bootleggers:

Now, I realize I probably encounter people like you all the time, and just don’t pay attention. Normally when I go out I am too busy teaching people the “Baked Potato” (my signature dance move) to pay any attention to the way other people are dancing. Friday night however was an exception, because I gave up drinking for Lent, and everyone knows the Baked Potato only comes out after quite a few drinks. I’ll talk about you “Nasty Old Lady” first, because you pretty much are the reason I decided I will never drink after the age of 30. I would never want to embarrass myself when I’m old the way you did. And second, because you scarred my friend Dan for life, and I thought it was hilarious. I noticed you shortly after I walked in, because it’s hard to miss the chubby, hammered 50 year old lady trying to grind on the dance floor. After a few minutes of dancing by yourself you cozy on up behind Dan and try dancing with him. Dan humors you for a few seconds because at first we find this funny, but then you take it too far. You grab the poor kid’s hands and force them to grab your boobs, and then you proceed to rub his hands all up and down you. The entire time poor Dan is clenching his firsts together so tight trying not to touch you. After a few more uncomfortable minutes of this, you go away for awhile. About an hour later you are back again, once again trying to dance with someone who is about half your age, if not younger. When none of the boys at my table were willing to torture themselves anymore by dancing with you, you decide to take desperate measures to get their attention. You stick your beer bottle in your fat cleavage, and then proceed to do something to the bottle that makes me too uncomfortable to even talk about. Imagine how I felt witnessing it, if I can’t even talk about it? You Nasty Old Lady are disgusting. In the future can you please not get so trashed? And if you do, can you at least not molest my friends? Thanks.

Now on to you, Odd Couple. At several times in the night you were the only people dancing, so it was hard not to miss you. You were the weirdest couple I have ever seen. I have never seen a girl with such long hair. And let me tell you it’s nasty. There is nothing attractive about a girl with ratty, straggly hair that’s down to her knees. And your little boyfriend looked like the complete opposite of anyone someone dressed in a full length jean skirt who has Amish people hair would date. He was a little Hispanic dude wearing a white tee and a flat brim hat. And as weird as you guys are to look at, seeing you dance was absolutely disgusting. You basically looked like you were having sex on the dance floor. I think the only thing preventing you from actually having sex on the dance floor was the length of Amish girl’s skirt. You could have saved everyone the disgust and just gone home and done it. There is no need to subject other people to that. The worst part was you both kept touching the girl’s ratty nasty hair. It made me want to throw up. In the future, if you two are just going to go out by yourselves and make everyone else uncomfortable because of your dirty dance moves, can you just stay home? And if you’re not going to stay home, can you cut that nasty hair????

Thanks,

Megan